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Dating a Divorced Man
By Veronika Cardes
Dating a divorced man... with kids!. Your initial reaction to the idea of dating a divorced man might simply be - No thanks! But in today's world, where divorce is the norm, you might want to reconsider. You don't need official statistics to tell you divorce is a pretty strong trend. Look around you. How many divorced people do you know? Probably lots! The Advantage
The advantage of dating someone who has already been "down-the-aisle" is that in many aspects of our lives - we make mistakes, learn from them and try NOT to repeat them in the future.
A divorced man is likely to already have made mistakes in the past that an unmarried guy may not yet have experienced. If you're lucky, he has learned from the past and won't make those same errors again with you. But this may not always be the case.
Sometimes people make the same mistakes in their relationships, over and over and over again. Try to be on the look out for this. If you're dating a divorced guy who has a tendency to repeat errors continuously in other areas of his life, then you'd better beware. If he has more than one divorce... watch out!
Make sure you've got someone who admits to past mistakes and wants to do better in the future.
The Disadvantages May Seem Insurmountable
A serious problem may come up if your guy has been hurt by his failed marriage. If his wife (not him!) ended the relationship, then you might have an up-hill-battle on your hands. It may be extremely difficult for him to learn to trust again. Just give him some time.
In most cases, his ex-wife is someone who will - in some way, shape or form! - continue to be a part of his life. Whether they share kids, he pays her alimony or simply because she was a large part of his life...you have to accept the fact she is likely to show up from time-to-time.
Don't get upset when she's around (whether physically or in his thoughts). Just remind yourself that she is part of his reality that you can't change. If your guy is newly separated and in the process of getting the divorce finalized, you might want to check out Dating Advice: You, Him, and Not Quite Ex Wife! for extra advice on the special challenges a not-yet-divorced man poses.
You'll need a lot of patience and will-power to overcome the drawbacks of dating a divorcee. But if you've found yourself someone great, this really shouldn't be so difficult.
Divorced Men With Kids Are Especially Tricky
Being around his kids can be a plus when it gives you the chance to experience what life with children is like - without having to have them yourself! If you already have kids, this can provide a great way to bond with him - the children are something you have in common.
HOWEVER, keep in mind that kids can be very protective and even cruel! They already have a mom and don't want you as a new one! So, what can you do? Take an interest in them. Don't boss them around or act overly ‘motherly', but do show interest and encourage them in the things they're good at.
Don't forget to be patient! Being ‘dad's new girlfriend' takes time getting used to, and they'll probably resent you for taking their mom's place. So tread lightly.
And don't be upset if they don't immediately like you. They just need some time to get used to you. Also, keep in mind that the younger the children are, the easier it will be for you to start bonding with them. Older kids, especially teens, will be more likely to resist you.
Avoiding a Guy With a ‘Past'
This is difficult, but passing them over might mean passing over someone great! While dating a divorced man may pose special problems, don't just reject this group of guys outright. In all types of relationships there are various sets of problems. Yeah, there might be some special issues with divorcees. But if you think back to your previous relationships (with guys who've never been married), you'll see that there are plenty of problems with these other types of men too.
If you just dismiss guys because they are divorced, you could be missing out on a whole world of potentially great partners. And when dating is already so difficult, it's truly a shame to let the possibility of good ones go!
Tell us what you think about dating after divorce!
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Dating with Kids - What to Say and What to Do
In this world of divorces and various dating and life circumstances, there may come a point when you are going to have children and be dating. Contrary to what you may have heard, the two can mix.
Meeting the kids is a huge thing.. if he is a decent guy then this would be true in your situation. I am with a guy who has four children to his ex and I met them around three or four months after the separation. At first he brought them over to meet me and have dinner. Takeaways not anything fancy =) The most shy one is the one who always want to see me and has cried about it. My partner took steps with the kids.
He would take them to stay at his new place or at parents when we were first living together (his parents didn't know we were living together). He waited until he thought they were ready and when we did do the over night, we waited again before they stayed again.
Slow and steady sure does win the race. But EVERY situation is different. My family were always happy that we were together but his family not so much... but now I have met his parents and sisters. So who gives a f**k what others think. Yes they may be right but I can't say as I don't know your situation and how serious it is but some do work out.
Mine did =D
They may come around but you don't want to lose too many friends over it. But if they are real friends then they will be very supportive. Yes they may not agree with yah but...
Do what makes you happy. My partner has hurt me and I have hurt him (sounds bad but if u knew the situation then it's understandable). But that was before we got together and I couldn't be happier =) He was a married man when we first met and was for just over three years while we were "just friends" (if you know what I mean). So this is why we had complications but he told her he was in love with me and he was sick of being miserable. He didn't want to hurt the kids but the hard road is over and that heart that was hurt... is now much happier and have the man I love. Hey... he's mine so you have your man if you want him!! =D DO WHAT YOU FEEL AND THINK IS BEST FOR YOU. Talk about it but don't be fooled. If you do it right then u will be the happiest ever =)
I am with a separated father of four (to his ex) and one to myself. He claims he had been unhappy in his marriage for 7 years. I would agree that this is hard. Especially when he and the ex have so much history together. One of them lied to me and I am sure it was him, but he claims he didn't. I found out for sure that he had lied to me about a serious issue in the past and then did the non specify thing after that.
We have been together for almost two years but have had a secret relationship for the over the past 5. I was a silly teenager at the time and am now in my early 20's. He knows I want more children but he has five and..... that is far more than enough. He said he would consider having another with me as I want a little girl and if we had a boy then would try one more time for a girl. .... But he isn't getting any younger and am afraid this will be our family as it is now.
I always wanted marriage and a family...
He used to say he puts me in the same basket as his family (including ex wife at the time) but now says I am first. As we are together now and I am his family. It has been a sticky and complicated road but I am finally happy. All situations are different and our relationship is improving.
But I agree with what you are saying.... but for me... the ex comes last =) Your relationship is still going?? I guess we might be one of the lucky ones??
You will know the answer to this... it will be in your heart. If he does everything right and says he loves you and just wants to be with you etc, then he may be for real. If he is s decent guy and loves his kids more than anything then he will be very protective. However the younger they are, the more he may be cautious about. As kids that come from a broken home can have many feelings and questions. This can be a very difficult time for them and he may want to be careful. Going about it the right way is vital in any situation.
If he really loved his ex that he dated after the ex wife, then he would have tried to make it work. Maybe a discussion with him could help but then again he may not want to talk about it. A caring father with kids of divorce, will not want to have many different girlfriends. Maybe his last ex was a rebound if it was too soon after the separation. They need time to get through it and may not be thinking clearly.
Every situation and different and the reason for the separation could also be part of some issues. If his ex wife chose to separate then he may not have been ready and therefore grabbed someone to be with because he didn't want to be alone or maybe to throw it in the ex wife's face.
But look..... you will know in your heart if he is genuine. I know of someone who proposed about a month after he and his wife decided to separate. He had been in love with this female he proposed to for a few years. But he said this was to show how serious he was about her, as they weren't even dating and she wasn't sure about having a relationship at that time. He didn't want an answer and they have dated for almost two years and he hasn't asked her again.
Meeting the kids and family is a huge thing and if he is a real decent guy, then I will say that you are very much safe =D
I am a 49 year old American male living in Australia for past 6 years going through process of separation and divorce for 2nd time in my life, this time have small kids to consider and not so easy as i imagined it to be. Ex is not making things easy when it comes to seeing my children which I love enormously. For 7 months since separation I have struggled financially and emotionally to get back on my feet so that I could get in a position to have my kids for more time. I began new relationship with wonderful caring woman way to soon and did not realize what my motives actually were until involved. This new relationship angered my ex and made her more difficult to deal with and while I cared very deeply for new woman I had to admit my primary motivation was having my kids not necessarily being in love or having new intimate relationship, so it turns out that without really knowing I was doing so, I had taken a short cut. I ended the new relationship and am starting to rebuild my life on my own avoiding any more emotional entanglements until I am in better place. Recently have had major heart attack and am trying to recover from that, my ex refuses to let kids see me in hospital or take them anywhere to meet me.
That is my story, not all divorced men are idiots, not all people are aware of what they do when they do it until later and they think about it. Cannot blame a person for being a bit "gun shy" or nervous about taking new risk when hurt can be so devastating. These things cannot be approached in a selfish way and being able to put self in position of others is always a big help for perspective!
I've been living with my bf and 2 girls 18 and 12 for 8 long years....and still no proposal! I don't understand why i can't have what every girl wants - marriage and kids....and on top of that i have trouble getting pregnant and he says no to invitros and adoption! Please i need advice!
Hi, don't get trapped by men. My close friend got trapped by an idiot. He told her that his previous girlfriend slept with his friend. My innocent friend didn't understand and simply loved that idiot. That idiot took advantage of her innocence and spoiled her life. At least we are all happy that she is ok now. He was planning to put her in mental hospital for her money. God Siva saved her life but she is very upset. She regrets every minute now that she didn't listen to us. We were all advising her not to trust that man. After the divorce this idiot approached my friend for sex by paying $40. She got a shock. This idiot and his friend's circle phoned her and abused her for sex. She cried every day. I am sure, this idiot, his friends and his family would suffer. This idiot convinced my friend's dad also by buying drinks for that man. My friend's dad is also like my dad and they do not care about their own children and simply enjoy themselves.
Hi. I am dating with divorced man. And his ex has cheated on him badly. And I like him very much. He is the man that I wanted to marry. But I always worry about if he still has feeling with his ex wife. I heard that most men still keep their kid's mom in their heart. How can I make sure that he loves me? And not sure that it's good to continue our relationship.
@Me How is that going? i just been talking to a guy for a month now. I'm 24 he is 25 he has 3 kids and divorced. At first i wanted to run away but the connection i feel with him is great i really like him but i really don't know what else to think.. Sometimes i just worry about what other people are going to say. My best advice, do what your heart tells you if you're happy you're happy. People make mistakes and i say i wasn't part of his life when he was with his ex.
@Portia Does God hate people who divorce or are divorced? Doesn't the bible say there is no measure to sin? Please be careful when you're Quoting God. Nowhere does it say he hates people who divorce.
I am dating with a divorcee with 2 kids, now still part-time taking care his kid at their previous house. I get oppose from whole family. I started to doubt about my decision. I love this man but yet i want to have my own family in future. I want him to commit 100 % to our future family but he can't promise anything. What advise that you guy will recommend me to do?
@john Don't blame you at all. I'm 45 and am in the ending stages of raising my kids - I don't think i would have the energy to start again at this stage with a baby. Then you think of at least 20 more years of taking care of them and i'd be 65 before I would be on my own again. I'm very clear with anyone I date that kids are not an option for me. I'll miss my kids when they leave but I also look forward to the day that I can do some of the things i want to do before I'm too old to do them.
So I date a man who has custody of his three teenagers and seem to have a problem that is different from most. His last serious relationship was with a woman who his kids despised and she didn't care for them at all. They ended up breaking up because of her dislike of them. I get along really well with teenagers and have bonded with each of his kids. They consider me like a mom. I love them all. But sometimes I really wonder if because of his bad experience with the last woman that he may have chosen someone his kids liked instead of someone he loved. He's a good man and a great friend to me but seems like he doesn't really have that spark for me. Would a man date someone just because his kids like her?
@Evaa If someone will learn from my bitter experience I'll be very glad. Dated twice divorced man with kids from each marriage. a 14 y.o. and 3 y.o. After 4 years of being together, and going through lots of problems and difficulties, being his "free therapist" and actually done a lot of work and reaching "progress" in building a trust to a woman, stop putting a woman down to control her, etc etc etc. We started to speak about marriage and he wanted another child- I was just happy. But then all of sudden he said he is too old now to have marriage and a new child (46, been 42 when we met) and he wants to break up. Unfortunately I've got pregnant a week before he said that.
So he ended up to force me to have an abortion... I'm still in pain though it is already a year ago. I cannot forgive myself I couldn't leave him, though there were so many problems from the very beginning.
Girls, even if you love someone, but he was divorced and had problems (custody over kids) - please, find the strength to leave him before you are SERIOUSLY hurt....
@amber Ok ladies let's hear your opinions. 47 year old male divorced with three kids teenagers and an ex wife who would take his last dollar if she could find a way.. Even though he's overly generous. He meaning me meets a great woman 39 divorced great job no kids, great chemistry no arguments in 18 months length of relationship ....but then the subject of her wanting to start a family comes up and he says no ....is anyone on the man's side here?
It's good to have different views from different people in similar situations, it makes you decide whether to go on dating a once married or divorced man. It's difficult, that's why God hates people who divorced. Remarrying is tricky especially when you have kids from a previous marriage, most people are not comfortable with a situation of having kids which are not theirs, living under one roof.
i think to get a healthy and a lasting relationship , u need to be very patient, pray and ask God to give you the right person , it's never too late with God. Cause marriage it's not a project which ends after a certain period, it's a commitment, it's better to stay single but happy than having a relationship which brings sorrow in your life.
Divorced man will never tell you , his weaknesses in the previous marriage he always blames the wife/ spouse. All i can say to you all, God has the answer to everything that we desire only we accept him and give him space to correct our situation and give us an everlasting solution.
You can look very attractive educated and all , but remember, there is someone who is better that u think when addressing yourself , so be very careful. Man they measure woman differently at a point of their own convenience. As long thy satisfy themselves. Take note. Be wise run with your life stay away from pretenders.
As a 32 year old divorced guy with a kid, i hafta say i agree with most of the comments above. i understand where most are coming from. because most, like honestly 95% of divorced men still have and always will have feelings for the child's mom. because divorce in humanity is not a natural process. Most divorced men still love their ex in some way shape or form, even though most would never admit it.
Hello, I would really appreciate some advice here. I met a man last year with two kids who is going through a divorce. On our third date I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue with him due to our age gap and goals, I look for a healthy and balanced relationship and I would like to marry and have kids at some point. I'm 32 and he's 46. I expressed this to him and he said he noticed that, and is something he was willing to do again. We saw each other every other week as he lives part time with his kids. As I got to know him, I really like him and we enjoyed so much being together, I felt safe and secure and in love with him. I noticed he continuously brought up his ex-wife and still has pictures of her. After dating for 5 months he said we wanted to take things slow and back up a bit. I never met his family or his kids. This broke my heart and we stopped seeing each other for 4 months. About a month ago we re-initiated contact, he removed all the pictures of his ex-wife and the process is almost finalized, we were so happy to see each other again. But one more time he told he wished he had met me before he married that person, and that he is not sure if he wants to have more kids. He was very sad but he said we can continue seeing each other until I find the right person for me. I feel very hurt, I love him but it looks like this will not work and all I have left is just to move on...
What if the man's mistake was marrying that slimeball bitch in the first place? What kind of advice for divorced Dads do you have?
@Me Just know that you will never be 1st. It will always be his kids. Know that the ex will always be there because of the kids. For B-day parties, School activities, Graduation and their weddings!! I have been thru this, I went into a relationship with man that had an ex wife and two young children. It has been rough; our arguments and disagreements are always because of his kids and the ex wife involved. We now have two of our own children and even now sometimes i feel that our children do not come first!!! Had a known all the hurt this would have caused me, I'd never had married a man with an ex wife and especially one with children!! Look at the full picture before committing yourself!!!
@Rob Life is funny sometimes. We think we will never be a part of that divorced crowd... We believe we will last forever, after all we stood before church and our friends and some of us (more than once...) and yet the man/woman make an unwise choice and leaves us in the predicament of a failed relationship, yet again because of an affair of some sort. SO .. we pick up the pieces and start all over again... I have found that I will never settle for anything less than i deserve!!! I am worth so much more! Praise God! So now? I have met a man who asked me to church.. Has 2 children, and yes, he's not divorced yet. Slow........ very slow !!!!! No I don't have a big "L" tattooed on my forehead just am falling for a divorcing man. Yes I am praying and going slow. Hopefully giving him space and me the space to be who we are... PRAY that the Good Lord shows us the RIGHT path.... I ams so ready for the happily ever after....