Dating a Divorced Man

Dating a divorced man with kids can be very tricky. More often than not he is not sure where his loyalties lie and is often torn between the kids, the ex and the current girlfriend. Being the current girlfriend you are almost always last in line when it comes to loyalties. Can you deal with that? Know that the kids come first, then the ex-wife - the kids' mother - and then finally you and your needs.

@KidJhb That is terrible advice, saying that the current girlfriends come last. It defeats the purpose of the article to help empower the girlfriend. I think there is a constant struggle, but the divorced man has no loyalties to his ex wife. That's like saying a guy who didn't marry a woman has loyalties to an ex girlfriend.

Being divorced is hard enough. I know that I would never put my ex ahead of a new woman. My kids will always be important, but I still can balance another woman in my life with them. I'd actually want that. I'd welcome her into my life with open arms.

I got burned pretty bad in my marriage. But I wouldn't want her to suffer for it. I do however need someone who actually cares enough about me, to help me through some of it, i.e. trusting again. I got played, cheated on you name it.

I know there has to be good women out there, since she was my first physically, I have distorted views of what women think about men sexually. I feel like they just want to use sex to get what they want, and that it doesn't mean anything to them emotionally. This can't be true, but it is my battle. I don't see how I can get this out of me without being shown the opposite. I have yet to find that, therefore I continue to struggle with these thoughts.
Everything else is just theoretical.

I know I'm a great man though, and if a lady would be willing to do a little work, I would make her very happy. Problem is today's women want Mr. perfect on a platter, nothing less. Sorry I can't help you there, ever. I'll never be perfect, but I could be perfect for you in your imperfectness. Humble yourselves, and you just might be surprised.

There is no way a young single kid fresh out of college could hold a candle to me when it comes to learning lessons in life. If you think that's where it's at then you’re asking for what you get. I am ten times the man I was 10 years ago. SOOOO much wiser. I know I am what a real woman would want. As a matter of fact, I am probably too much for most. I am a very deep thinker, and have learned a lot from being in the superficial world. I know what it means to be young and dumb, whereas these young dudes have no clue.
Oh well it's all good, and to God be the glory through it all. I am a better man for it in the end.

Now if you really want to know what I think.... ; )

Why is this terrible? She's telling the truth. You as the outsider and the girlfriend will come last. There is no "empowering" the girlfriend. She's saying it like it is. I've been dating a divorced man with two teenagers and a remarried ex and it's still a nightmare sometimes. I have never felt so neglected and left out. It's not that much fun. I'm considering going back to being solo because no matter how wonderful he is, there will always be the ex, the teenager troubles (of which you have no say in), and the fact that the kids never really "leave home".

What are the outcomes of dating a man who has never had children; has lead a "Dink" life, never really shared anything with anyone and who was divorced by his wife after 25 years of financial success? I have found him to be very self centered and selfish - having no idea of what real sacrifice means in life.

What does a woman who has two grown children do with a man like that? I do not need another child.

Unless a man wants to be bled dry both financially and emotionally, it’s better for him not to get married at all! When there are kids involved, in UK and US for that matter, a woman knows full-well that however she behaves, the court will be on her side and she can get whatever she wants from the man. After 10 years marriage, she can decide she wants someone else, the husband is kicked out, never gets to see his kids and is forced into financially subsidising the life of the “ex and her new man”. Not worth it!

@Rob
I'm a widow. My husband died not to long before your post and I am dating his best friend that has been married 2 times. The latter for 20 years. There are great women out there sometimes you just have to think outside the box... my husband’s best friend is 10 years younger than I am.. People that have been married a long time have a lot more to give to the relationship... I wish you the joy that I have found.. Look closer than you think just have an open mind.

I agree. Why doesn't the man know where his loyalties lie when he is so sure of the girlfriend's love towards him? Does this mean he still loves his ex?

I have been dating a divorced man for almost 2 years. We started dating soon after he and his ex-wife had finalized the divorce papers, but they had been separated for almost 3 years. She had cheated on him, and things progressively got worse. They also have one son together.

I met his family a few months after we started dating, and now they treat me just like family. We also live together now and have talked about marriage. While the majority of things have been great, there have certainly been trying times too. It is not easy thinking about the man you love being married to someone else, especially having a child with them. It is hard when they talk to that person, see that person, and when his family talks about her too. I sometimes worry that I am being compared to the ex and I realize that I try exceptionally hard to make him happy to show him that I am better for him than his ex.

There have been times when he's told me she has had similar arguments with him, or conversations, and that hurts a lot. It makes me feel like he has not fully moved on, and he compares me to her. I tell him sometimes I'm a different person and this is a different relationship, because I think he has a lot of baggage from his past.

I love him a lot and I do want to spend my life with this man, but sometimes I get so upset about him being with another woman, living with her, having a child, etc that I feel like it’s too tough and I can't do it. Or maybe I'd be better off dating a never-married man without kids. There are plenty of them out there and at times I'm sure I could find someone who makes me as happy as my current partner, without all the baggage.

I am happy I saw this discussion. This is a Big question I’m carrying in my head for 5 years since I got married with a man who is divorced and has kids which live with their mom. It’s a very long story but all I can say to make it brief is that when we met, he just let me know he was married before and he didn’t want to talk about it much and so I thought he wanna really move on and I’m the one to give him a fresh start. After I accepted marrying him, he also mentioned he got kids from his ex and asked me if this is gonna change my mind. Well, then, according to his way of letting me know about his past (he had said they’re in another city at that moment) I still thought he wants to start everything fresh and even he swore nothing from his past is going to come before my eyes or mind to bother me. Then, I just trusted his word and because I had fallen in love with him, I believed everything he said.

Right after marriage, everything changed and the truth came out. His ex wasn’t living in another city, and wasn’t goin to be away from us. His ex that had stopped him from seeing his kids for ages, now let him see them, he came to me and said I have to see them here on a regular basis....I wasn’t even mentally prepared to face them. I couldn’t even accept I could see a child that is from another woman. Maybe if, before we married, I knew what his plan was going to be after marriage about his kids, i didn’t have any right to think like how I thought. But didn’t know and this didn’t even pass from my thoughts for a second.

I just had given my heart to what he had told me and promised me. By marrying me, he had kinda got back to his kids after so long and I could see the excitement in him. However me being in shock with wt was going to happen for the rest of our life took peace from him as well. What was killing me the most was that I had hardly accepted marrying a man that was married before and had challenged so much to pretend he hasn’t , but when his kids came up, his ex was going to be the shadow over my life forever, and I could not pretend anything anymore. My life turned into a mental torture. We had lottttsa arguments and fights over this , me complaining about the hell he put me in by not being honest and clear with me , and him expecting me not to be sensitive about his kids. I tried so much to get away from this kind of thinking but I cant, and till today I can’t love him again.

Here's my situation-

I'm 22. I've found a 25 year old man (whom I am very interested in). He is divorced with 2 kids (3 & 5). It's hard for me to find a post similar to my situation. Most posts I've found are older men with older kids and how to deal with that.

I just wonder advice from strangers--not from my family and friends.

My family and friends tell me how bad of an idea it is to date him.

We've been dating for a month and I think he is worth getting to know and put myself in this situation. He treats me very good. He is very honest with me. He's told me his ex messed him up. He's told me she's nuts. I know this and I'm not afraid to handle it. I know myself and I know I can handle it.

My friends are worried we are moving too fast in our relationship. I've met his kids once and he and I have agreed it's good for me to be around them, but no staying overnight when the kids are at his house.

We really like each other. I want to continue pursuing him, but it's hard when my close friend/co-worker/only mutual friend with him is against my relationship. I asked her if she was happy for me that I’m happy with him and she said no. She said she's not happy for me because he has kids. She said her boyfriend (who's roommates with him) said that he moves fast with every girl and then dumps them. How much of that statement is true, I don't know. He has only had one gf since his divorce. He's just been divorced since May, but separated for a year before that. I like him a lot, but still have concerns. I feel like my friend doesn't want us to be together because she and her boyfriend are always having problems and it makes her impossible to be happy for me when she herself is not happy. I am just looking for opinions or advice. I don't want her to cause he and I problems, but I'm worried her statements and advice will effect it. It already has. Any advice helps.

@Chloe Chloe, I am sorry to hear that it is hard for you to face that he used to be married and lived with and bore a child with another woman, but I must say that you are blessed that this is the main concerning issue. I would think that if she remained an active part of his life and they still got along great that would be the main concern. I have been dating a guy that is divorced and with a daughter, I do not yet know whether or not I would want to take this to the next level bc the thought of having to share my time with him with a child, who is not mine, scares me and is already worry and insecure. I am terrified to getting hurt, of being put last, or told that it’s either his daughter or me in the house. You made an interesting point, saying that you can easily go and meet a man without any baggage, and that’s something that so many of my family and friends have told me the same, what are your reasons for staying with him and being able to overlook the "baggage"?

@Me "Me", I am almost in the same situation as you are. I am about your age, with a man, divorced, with a son, and at times it’s very hard to just ignore all the negativity that clouds over the relationship. It’s hard to listen to loved ones tell us that they only want the best for us bc they love us, and that they don’t want us to make a mistake, but you know what it’s even harder to leave the man himself. If could be possible that your friend could be a bit jealous but think of what she really means. I mean she is not the only one that has been against this thus far, so you must consider this. I think at this point, hunny, there are more important and pressing issues beside your "mutual friends" advice. Things like “why did he get divorced?”and “what will happen to the children after you get serious with him?”, etc. Hang in there, I’m here if you need!