Dating a Divorced Man

@Talulah My, my, Talulah, you are looking through the narrow window. Out there you will find a thousand (a million?) single men, honorable, loving, family oriented, with NO children (just like me) and that are already giving up on the fact that they will find (someday) a "highly educated, attractive, and loving single woman with no children". Leave this man with his failure and with his problems: wife and children. Find your own man to build a family with! (Someone like me) you deserve to start from scratch! And believe ME because I've been around this chaos with my divorced friends, things will never change: children (1st), wife (2nd), work (3rd), you (someplace between friends and hobbies). Really, I mean, really, run for the hills!

I have been dating a man legally married, but separated for 17 months. His argument about being still legally married is because he claims that the wife wants the money she gets legally after 10 years and he agrees. He says he is trying to make our relationship work and keeps inviting me to his country (we live in separate countries). Last time I was there for the weekend (friday thru sunday), he will leave me in his house and will go out with his children on saturday....on sunday he did the same...on friday we went to a party with his friends. He claims the ex was crazy and money driven, but he is terrorized by the fact I meet her. I don't want to feel suspicious...what can I ask him to know what's going on? I am a highly educated, attractive, and loving single woman with no children. Should I run for the hills?

I can relate to an awful lot of these posts. I'm 26f and have recently broken up with a 37 year old separated guy and in the process of going through a divorce, with 2 small children. I know that 4 and a half months might not seem like long compared to some of the people who have posted, but even so, if you like someone, you like them, and so it still hurts when you break up. Him and the wife separated 4 years ago but they gave it another go last year but after 3 months it ended as they were getting nowhere. The problem i found hard to deal with, is not so much the children, as i always accepted the fact that he had them, and it never became an issue for me (i never got to meet them either as it was too soon and then we ended, so there were no problems with them not liking me or anything like that). What I found hard was that he is essentially a workaholic. So on top of me not seeing him as much as i would with another boyfriend without the children, I didn't see him much in the week or he wouldn't text that much or call because he was so busy with work. I never felt like he put me last, but I always knew that the kids came first, and that he had to maintain a good relationship with their mother. I certainly don't think that there is anything going on with the wife as i know they didn't make each other happy, and its refreshing to hear from him, that although they went through a couple of bad years, he claims, and i believe him, that he never cheated on her.

So he is a lovely guy and treated me so well, but it came to a head earlier in the week, and we broke up just yesterday, purely because we are just so different. My friends and family would say to me "am i crazy"? What do i possibly have in common with him lifestyle wise? They all said i could do so much better. But i never agreed, and still don't. I was crazy about him for who he was, but it just didn't work out. Ultimately we were just too different. I think the final straw is that although it was me who ultimately had enough and ended it, when we met face to face and he had time to think things through properly, he realised he can't give me what i want. Not that i expect a proposal now, but i might do, in a few years, whereas he isn't even divorced yet and by the time that goes through, is he really wanna jump into marriage all over again. So he did think of me in long term. Upsettingly, he has to return something of mine next week so i have to see him which will be hard, part of me wants him back but then will it work.

@Rob I am divorced and dating - but trust me all that you have mentioned in all the comments it's true,... i doubt it will be easy for your ex - to forget you,.. more especially when you have lived under the same roof for years and the children are involved - remember that he got used to your routines and Men are not easily to adjust to new environments or they will refuse seeing that they used to be spoilt etc,.. in my case i would wash his undies and socks... so i can imagine the next woman cause we come from different backgrounds - if she was raised in a manner that you must be fully submissive to your husband or not,..... Pals you've made my day *Fully Refreshed*

@Rob Ahhh thanks for saying that. I just finished dating a divorced man with kids, who just couldn't move past, and give me a future with him that I wanted. It's refreshing to hear the things you stated.

@Chloe

Chloe- I'm in the same boat you are in. I would love to hear what happened since you posted your comment. I've found myself in a similar situation and have the same exact feelings that you do.. I don't know anyone in my situation and would love to hear more from you.

Thanks-Melissa

I must also say that my main reason for dating a divorced man with a child is because I personally wasn't sure if I wanted to be married and have children. I thought dating a man who had previously been married and already had a child would prevent problems that my choice to remain unmarried and childless would cause. Now time has gone by and I have changed my mind and who knows if he will ever be ready to remarry. Also, he already has a 7 year old child. He will probably never want to start all over again. The better idea would have been to date a man who also doesn't want to be married and have children. Being last place to the man you love is the most difficult thing a woman will ever have to deal with in her life.

I am 24 and have been dating a 32 year old divorced man with a 7 year old son. The comment about the children coming first, then the ex, and then you definitely is true. I know that it's sad and not what anyone wants to hear, but it is and will always remain the way it is. I have been with this man almost a year and a half and they were separated over 5 years before I came around. It has not gotten any easier even though it has been over a year. Given the option again, I don't think I would choose this for myself. If you are at the beginning of a relationship with a divorced man, especially if he has a child with his ex, I would very carefully consider how important he is to you. If he ended the marriage, run for the hills. The ex will be very threatened by you and make your life extremely difficult. I would not recommend for anyone to date a divorced man with a child from that marriage. Even though I am myself.

I am a sexy female in my early 30s. After countless cross examinations of the pros and cons of having children, having reached and finally reaching a dedicated conclusion to not submit to the whole motherhood traditions of procreation (the reason being, I am too selfish and enjoy my life the way it is!) and would not mind dating a guy with kids IF he did not want anymore with me. As long as we can more or less have our own hobbies and me (not wanting to exude a surrogate mother figure head) would kindly abide to his expectations of a fun loving partner in a committed relationship.

I was also put last in my ex-husband list, first his kids, second his ex, third his family and friends and I was the last one, never been married before and I had no kids ... marrying a guy with past is an issue... think twice or a thousand times before destroying your life.

@Me "Me", I am almost in the same situation as you are. I am about your age, with a man, divorced, with a son, and at times it's very hard to just ignore all the negativity that clouds over the relationship. It's hard to listen to loved ones tell us that they only want the best for us bc they love us, and that they don't want us to make a mistake, but you know what it's even harder to leave the man himself. If could be possible that your friend could be a bit jealous but think of what she really means. I mean she is not the only one that has been against this thus far, so you must consider this. I think at this point, hunny, there are more important and pressing issues beside your "mutual friends" advice. Things like "why did he get divorced?"and "what will happen to the children after you get serious with him?", etc. Hang in there, I'm here if you need!

@Chloe Chloe, I am sorry to hear that it is hard for you to face that he used to be married and lived with and bore a child with another woman, but I must say that you are blessed that this is the main concerning issue. I would think that if she remained an active part of his life and they still got along great that would be the main concern. I have been dating a guy that is divorced and with a daughter, I do not yet know whether or not I would want to take this to the next level bc the thought of having to share my time with him with a child, who is not mine, scares me and is already worry and insecure. I am terrified to getting hurt, of being put last, or told that it's either his daughter or me in the house. You made an interesting point, saying that you can easily go and meet a man without any baggage, and that's something that so many of my family and friends have told me the same, what are your reasons for staying with him and being able to overlook the "baggage"?

Here's my situation-

I'm 22. I've found a 25 year old man (whom I am very interested in). He is divorced with 2 kids (3 & 5). It's hard for me to find a post similar to my situation. Most posts I've found are older men with older kids and how to deal with that.

I just wonder advice from strangers--not from my family and friends.

My family and friends tell me how bad of an idea it is to date him.

We've been dating for a month and I think he is worth getting to know and put myself in this situation. He treats me very good. He is very honest with me. He's told me his ex messed him up. He's told me she's nuts. I know this and I'm not afraid to handle it. I know myself and I know I can handle it.

My friends are worried we are moving too fast in our relationship. I've met his kids once and he and I have agreed it's good for me to be around them, but no staying overnight when the kids are at his house.

We really like each other. I want to continue pursuing him, but it's hard when my close friend/co-worker/only mutual friend with him is against my relationship. I asked her if she was happy for me that I’m happy with him and she said no. She said she's not happy for me because he has kids. She said her boyfriend (who's roommates with him) said that he moves fast with every girl and then dumps them. How much of that statement is true, I don't know. He has only had one gf since his divorce. He's just been divorced since May, but separated for a year before that. I like him a lot, but still have concerns. I feel like my friend doesn't want us to be together because she and her boyfriend are always having problems and it makes her impossible to be happy for me when she herself is not happy. I am just looking for opinions or advice. I don't want her to cause he and I problems, but I'm worried her statements and advice will effect it. It already has. Any advice helps.

I am happy I saw this discussion. This is a Big question I’m carrying in my head for 5 years since I got married with a man who is divorced and has kids which live with their mom. It’s a very long story but all I can say to make it brief is that when we met, he just let me know he was married before and he didn’t want to talk about it much and so I thought he wanna really move on and I’m the one to give him a fresh start. After I accepted marrying him, he also mentioned he got kids from his ex and asked me if this is gonna change my mind. Well, then, according to his way of letting me know about his past (he had said they’re in another city at that moment) I still thought he wants to start everything fresh and even he swore nothing from his past is going to come before my eyes or mind to bother me. Then, I just trusted his word and because I had fallen in love with him, I believed everything he said.

Right after marriage, everything changed and the truth came out. His ex wasn’t living in another city, and wasn’t goin to be away from us. His ex that had stopped him from seeing his kids for ages, now let him see them, he came to me and said I have to see them here on a regular basis....I wasn’t even mentally prepared to face them. I couldn’t even accept I could see a child that is from another woman. Maybe if, before we married, I knew what his plan was going to be after marriage about his kids, i didn’t have any right to think like how I thought. But didn’t know and this didn’t even pass from my thoughts for a second.

I just had given my heart to what he had told me and promised me. By marrying me, he had kinda got back to his kids after so long and I could see the excitement in him. However me being in shock with wt was going to happen for the rest of our life took peace from him as well. What was killing me the most was that I had hardly accepted marrying a man that was married before and had challenged so much to pretend he hasn’t , but when his kids came up, his ex was going to be the shadow over my life forever, and I could not pretend anything anymore. My life turned into a mental torture. We had lottttsa arguments and fights over this , me complaining about the hell he put me in by not being honest and clear with me , and him expecting me not to be sensitive about his kids. I tried so much to get away from this kind of thinking but I cant, and till today I can’t love him again.

I have been dating a divorced man for almost 2 years. We started dating soon after he and his ex-wife had finalized the divorce papers, but they had been separated for almost 3 years. She had cheated on him, and things progressively got worse. They also have one son together.

I met his family a few months after we started dating, and now they treat me just like family. We also live together now and have talked about marriage. While the majority of things have been great, there have certainly been trying times too. It is not easy thinking about the man you love being married to someone else, especially having a child with them. It is hard when they talk to that person, see that person, and when his family talks about her too. I sometimes worry that I am being compared to the ex and I realize that I try exceptionally hard to make him happy to show him that I am better for him than his ex.

There have been times when he's told me she has had similar arguments with him, or conversations, and that hurts a lot. It makes me feel like he has not fully moved on, and he compares me to her. I tell him sometimes I'm a different person and this is a different relationship, because I think he has a lot of baggage from his past.

I love him a lot and I do want to spend my life with this man, but sometimes I get so upset about him being with another woman, living with her, having a child, etc that I feel like it’s too tough and I can't do it. Or maybe I'd be better off dating a never-married man without kids. There are plenty of them out there and at times I'm sure I could find someone who makes me as happy as my current partner, without all the baggage.

I agree. Why doesn't the man know where his loyalties lie when he is so sure of the girlfriend's love towards him? Does this mean he still loves his ex?

@Rob
I'm a widow. My husband died not to long before your post and I am dating his best friend that has been married 2 times. The latter for 20 years. There are great women out there sometimes you just have to think outside the box... my husband’s best friend is 10 years younger than I am.. People that have been married a long time have a lot more to give to the relationship... I wish you the joy that I have found.. Look closer than you think just have an open mind.

Unless a man wants to be bled dry both financially and emotionally, it’s better for him not to get married at all! When there are kids involved, in UK and US for that matter, a woman knows full-well that however she behaves, the court will be on her side and she can get whatever she wants from the man. After 10 years marriage, she can decide she wants someone else, the husband is kicked out, never gets to see his kids and is forced into financially subsidising the life of the “ex and her new man”. Not worth it!

What are the outcomes of dating a man who has never had children; has lead a "Dink" life, never really shared anything with anyone and who was divorced by his wife after 25 years of financial success? I have found him to be very self centered and selfish - having no idea of what real sacrifice means in life.

What does a woman who has two grown children do with a man like that? I do not need another child.

Why is this terrible? She's telling the truth. You as the outsider and the girlfriend will come last. There is no "empowering" the girlfriend. She's saying it like it is. I've been dating a divorced man with two teenagers and a remarried ex and it's still a nightmare sometimes. I have never felt so neglected and left out. It's not that much fun. I'm considering going back to being solo because no matter how wonderful he is, there will always be the ex, the teenager troubles (of which you have no say in), and the fact that the kids never really "leave home".