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When to give-up on a relationship
By Veronika Cardes
Sometimes it's hard to know when to get out of the relationship you're in. People grow apart for many reasons. They discover they want different things out of life. Attraction to one another dies. Interests change. And so on. The longer you're together, the harder it is to quit
Generally speaking the longer you're together, the harder it is to know when to quit. Being with someone for a long period means that you already have a lot of time invested in them. In times of doubt, you might be inclined to think that it's 'just a phase' but that things will improve. Or, perhaps you simply dread the prospect of having to go back out into the dating market.
But closing your eyes to the fact that you and your partner just don't work anymore can also land you in serious trouble.
Breaking up is hard to do!
Take for example a young twenty-something couple from San Francisco, Sean and Kathy. They met while at college and moved to the city just after graduation. While at school they both studied business and were interested in entering corporate jobs in finance. Both of them landed high-powered jobs in the field and began their new careers with the idea that marriage would come in a couple of years.
However, after about a year at the job, Sean decided that working in finance wasn't for him. Instead he wanted to pursue a long-time dream of becoming a writer. Kathy supported and encouraged him in the beginning. But after many months it became clear that the two of them were moving in different directions with their lives.
As Sean became more withdrawn and disillusioned with city life, Kathy got more involved in it. She was successful, a networker and moving up in her career. Sean was, on the other hand, struggling with writing and wanted to move elsewhere.
Slowly they began to argue. First about little things then about big ones.
Both had doubts about continuing the relationship. But because they'd been together for so long, they just remained as they were. Sean grew increasingly negative and abusive with regards to Kathy's job and work friends. While at the same time, Kathy started getting aggressive attention from one of her colleagues.
This new attention, combined with an unhappy home life, slowly pushed Kathy toward her colleague. And it wasn't long before she began having an affair. Things between Kathy and Sean ended badly. He was verbally abusing her and she was cheating on him. Despite many good years together, they were ultimately no longer able to even be friends.
Knowing when it's time to break it off
All of the pain Sean and Kathy inflicted on each other could have been avoided if they had just been able to recognize when it was time to quit the relationship. They both sensed that they were growing apart, but neither had the courage to address it. Each just thought things would somehow work themselves out.
To help you avoid traveling down a similar path, here are a couple of things you can do to think about whether or not it's time to break-up:
It might just be a temporary phase that you can work through if things haven't been going well for a few weeks only, if you or your partner has recently changed directions in life (you should give it a little time), or you still love your partner and don't want to live without them.
You might want to end it if things haven't been going well for months! You or your partner may have changed directions in life sometime ago and things just haven't been the same since. Or perhaps the idea of living without your partner doesn't really bother you that much anymore.
No matter which of these two situations you find yourself in just remember, relationships are a lot of work, and require compromise and cooperation. You have to be prepared to struggle through the hard times too and not simply give up. But it's also a delicate balance. You can't let things go on longer than they should either.
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@Elaine Hi Elaine, I have just had to leave my boy friend after a 7 year relationship. Be careful if you can see these signs watch out and see if you can help him, but in my 7 years there was nothing that I could do to change the situation. It's a hard lesson and allot of my life that could have been spent on a better course- you don't want to be their mother WATCH OUT.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and I'm in love and can't see myself with anyone else but it's a sick cycle, one month we're great and then bam once a week we have a huge fight because he goes out during the week and gets totally drunk and acts so careless and defensive. I feel like it's his way of rebelling, but I'm scared because I don't wanna be with someone who has a drinking problem. It really effects things between us and i love him so much it makes me sad to see him so wasted. Don't get me wrong i love to drink and have a great time but that's on the weekends when i don't have to work the next day.. What should i do? This has been going on for a long time...
What if things haven't been right for a few years?
I really don't know what to do anymore. Me & my partner have been together for 5 years, at the beginning of the relationship I was really unwell (mentally!) I was on tablets and very depressed. He stuck by me and supported me. After years of therapy I feel like a normal person again! I'm thriving in a new career and things are going great, except for the relationship. Despite the fact that I don't give him a hard time whatsoever like I did before, I'm not constantly miserable or down, we constantly seem to argue? My other half isn't like any other man I know, he does almost all of the housework, he's an extremely hard worker and I know he'd do anything to make sure I'm ok. Yet we seem to have drifted apart? I've tried to leave a few times before and he begs me to come back and assures me it'll work. But how many times do you give it another go?
He's stuck by me when I was sooooo difficult to live with, so maybe it's my turn now?
I feel so alone and lost.
@jones I had a bf for more than a year. I think he's a great guy but then I think he's not there for me on rainy days. From the time we were dating, it's been me who makes the first move. I love him so deeply yet, I feel his friends are more important to him than me. I wasn't insecure b4 in my previous relationships... but he made me one. I became verbally suspicious, I don't trust him, believe him and I hate myself for being one. I did all I can to keep the communication going to the point he thought I was harassing him coz he wants off the relationship but I kept texting him in hope that it's still us or to just console myself probably that I love him I shouldn't let him go....
I am older than him and although it hurts to the bone, I don't want him to be stuck with me or take me for the wrong reasons. I want him to take me back only if he loves me and this time, I'll wait until he decides he loves me and will run after me. I feel I had enough of running after him events in the past and just to know whether he likes me enough, he'd find a way to come back to me...
It sounds so simple when written down.
I have just spent 18months with a wonderful woman who has a little boy (6). She is a raging extrovert and I'm a night owl introvert. It's been hard from the beginning and has led to a lot of arguments and misunderstandings. As an extrovert she argues with passion and aggression (which i hate) and does not seem to pause to understand my point. But as an introvert i sulk for days on end if she doesn't listen and think she is cold and uncaring (which she is not). In the end i suppose neither of us can take anymore, or wanted to, and so she ended it (even though we are still in love). For me this is a mistake, the real problems sometimes only become clear and apparent when it's too late. Only after the split did i become really aware of how life might have been for her. I still believe that if true love is still there for both of you, then a few months is nothing - it's better to work hard together, stay calm and find out what the root of the problems are. True love is worth fighting for.
I’m in a relationship for 2 years and we had fights then and there but we got over them. In February we both moved to Johannesburg and things were wonderful, until suddenly my boyfriend started changing. He drinks every weekend. He isn’t the type of person who fights, but now a month doesn’t pass by before he is in a fight. I don’t mind when he goes out with his friends but I really don’t like it when he fights. Now we haven’t spoken to each other for a week and I really don’t know what is going on between us. I think it’s about time we call it a quits but I love him dearly and I can’t imagine life without him.