How To Deal With A Cheating Partner
Cheating, unfortunately, is a very real thing that many people have to deal with at some point in their lives.
Your partner may start cheating for a variety of reasons; maybe they’ve become bored with the relationship, maybe they are finding they are connecting with someone else better, or maybe it is just pure lust that attracts them to this person.
Whatever the case, one thing that you can be sure of is that it’s likely going to hurt. When you find out that you’re partner has cheated, your trust in them will be broken and as such, you may start questioning whether you can continue the relationship.
If you know how to deal with cheating, you can handle it better.
The Confrontation
First you must decide how you are going to go about confronting your partner for cheating. Most people do not readily admit to their partner they have cheated so it might be up to you to bring it up.
Unless you have solid evidence that it is indeed taking place, it’s best not to try and place blame, but rather pose questions and see how they answer. Sometimes, they’ll realize you’re onto something and come clean with you right then and there.
Other times, you’ll have to press a little more for information.
Be sure to use plenty of ‘I feel’ and ‘I think’ type of phrases since this comes across as less directive in nature.
If you do have solid evidence and are fully decided that you are not going to continue on with the relationship, then you can come right out and say what you’ve found and inform them that you know. They may try and deny it, in which case it only proves to you that not only do they cheat, but they lie as well. This is likely not someone you want to be with anyway, so be happy you found these two character traits out now.
The Aftermath
After the confrontation has taken place, it’ll be time for you both to decide where to go from there. If your partner expresses interest in continuing with the relationship and it was a one time cheating occurrence (they state they are not going to see this person again), then it’ll be up to you to decide whether you feel you can overcome this.
Some individuals are a firm believer in the saying, ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater’. You may have your own views on this, but do consider, for select people, after they have cheated, they realize just how terrible it felt and that will scare them from every doing it again. You know your partner and whether this may apply to them.
If you do decide to continue with the relationship, expect your partner to give you full information about their ware-abouts for the next few months – or however long it takes for them to earn back your trust. You are justifiable in this position to being uncertain of them and if they want to get back together with you, they should be fully willing to do this. It was, after all, their mistake.
If you decide it will just be too hard for them to regain your trust, or they decided that they are not going to stop seeing whomever they are cheating with, then it it’s a really good idea for you to look into some counselling sessions.
A cheating partner can really affect your own self-esteem and beliefs about relationships. If you want to have a trusting relationship down the road, it’s important for you to resolve your feelings related to this person’s actions and come to the understanding that not everyone will betray your trust.
The last thing you want to happen is for this one time occurrence to start affecting your relationships down the road, so be sure to take some time for yourself and look after your needs.
While it was their actions that caused the break-up, unfortunately you are going to be the one who has to deal more with it during the aftermath.
Cheating is a very destructive thing in relationships and many, many individuals get hurt by it each day. You really must have a good hard look at your partners actions, whether they seem regretful, and what kind of things they are willing to do to maintain the relationship if you choose to go on (going to counselling, frequent checking in with you, giving you their schedule, etc).
Trust is something that when broken, is not easy to earn back. You, and you alone are going to be the one to determine whether you can give this back to your partner or not.
About The Guest Blogger: Vicky Zhou is a part-time writer, blogger, volunteer, and enjoys talking and writing about dating, relationships and love.
Thanks for putting up my article! I hope your readers found it useful ^_^
I’ve been dating a married man for 10 years and I went outside of our relationship one time and told him because the guilt was too much to bear. Now he doesn’t want me anymore but he’s still married. Should I feel guilty or what? Need an answer!
You shouldn’t feel guilty at all, K. Green. That’s my opinion. Why should you? I don’t know the details of your relationship, so forgive me if I’m being blunt, but from what you said it seems this guy, for all purposes has had two wives for the past ten years; you and his legal wife. Now he’s getting miffed because you have been ‘unfaithful’ to him? How ironic!
I’m just curious, how did you get into this relationship in the first place? Did you know he was married from the start? I have a friend, and she’s in what seems to be a similar relationship to yours. They’ve been dating for about ten years, behind his wife’s back. It seems unlikely that their relationship will go much beyond that, even though she convinces herself that it will. There are so many decent single guys out there, so why not give one of them a chance?
My girlfriend cheated on me after 5 years! I was fooling around with another woman, and didn’t go as far as kissing. My girlfriend, out of revenge decided to do the same. She was intoxicated at the time and she slept with a stranger, after learning that I hadn’t done much she broke down and told me everything! Now I’m having trouble trusting her, what should I do? I want to stay with her. Advice?
My experience with relationships I have had in the past, and those of people I know makes me believe very much in the saying, once a cheat, always a cheat. I found myself in the situation of dating a girl who was cheating with someone she always claimed was only a close friend. However her idea of a friend was different to that of most people, and I did not know this at first! After asking her she admitted they slept together occasionally, and she was very upset and sorry. I forgave her only for the same thing to happen again. I’m not saying it is the same for everyone because it obviously isn’t, but my view is that it usually is better to cut losses and get out of such a relationship. Some people just cannot be faithful no matter what they say.
I have been with my partner for 5 years now and he said that he had a one time fling while I was at work in January 2008. I found condoms in his wallet so I confronted him and told him how I felt about it. He said it was only one time and to get over it. He tells me that he won’t do it again and I am trying to trust him. I did ask him about the one time fling as I have been faithful to him. I can’t have sex with other men and I am only attracted to him and nobody else. He says he did it because I am having a hard time losing weight since I’ve been on the depo shot for 4 years now. It has diminished my sex drive so I think these two factors are the key to him doing this. Well with him telling me that, it did really hurt my feelings and self esteem. I went to the doctor and asked how I can overcome the weight gain and get my sex drive back. I am also experiencing the pre menopause symptoms too. I will be 38 in September 2008. My partner is 8 years older than me. I actually believe him because he didn’t lie to me about the fling. The person he had the fling with was 24 and skinny. She did call his cell phone and I told her in a voicemail that I don’t know who she is and to stop calling. I am going to try and heal from this as this is the only time he has done this to me.
Hi. I just want to share my story. I met my now ex-partner 3-years ago. I didn’t want to jump into being a couple too quickly. We’d been dating a few months before my ex told me he was in love with me. I thought I’d found my soul mate and thought about him as not just a great boyfriend but also as my best friend. We moved in together, he met my family, we talked about kids. When people talk about cheating partners, I always said I trust my boyfriend 100%. Well now the shock. One day I’d just been doing something on the PC when some message popped-up. I never used a chat site, and I just opened it. I nearly died because what I found out was he’d been dating women on web. It tore my heart apart, so I contacted all those women and said to them that the lovely boyfriend of theirs has a girlfriend.
They were shocked as they didn’t even know I existed, and didn’t know that he lives in Edinburgh, while dating girls in Dublin. These things that I found out I could not believe. I left. After a few months he came back to beg me to take him back and I thought maybe I’ll give him one more chance, take him back and we’ll have to deal with the problems. We went to see a couples-therapist and worked hard for 6-months to make it work. I thought all was going well and I began to be happy again till one day his phone kept beeping again and again. I took it to read the message for him, and what did I find – text saying ‘hi darling how is your day going?’
I asked who it was. He said he didn’t know. I took the phone and called back – it was his ex girlfriend. I found out he’d been seeing her, went on holiday…etc. I can’t describe what I felt. I asked him to leave. Well, weeks later I found out I was pregnant. To make the story shorter, he came back to me to keep the baby. Then one day he’s sitting next to me when his ex calls! After all the stress I lost the baby. And what I learned? Who cheats once will do it again. Save yourself from pain as the trust will never come back and you will spend the rest of your life checking phone, email, bills etc. I never ever contacted my ex again. I thought I deserve better and as long as I don’t find anyone, I will stay single. I don’t want to say your man can’t change, but be careful.
I really feel for you. I am currently in the same situation, except I am not pregnant. My partner lies continuously, has been dating women from the internet. I feel sick to the stomach, worry constantly but because I am so deeply in love I always forgive him. I need help.
Cheating guys will be around forever, as long as there are:
1- Wives and girlfriends that forgive them
and,
2- Women who date them knowing they are already in relationship.
I just found out that my girlfriend cheated on me with a person a know, because she was angry at me. From what she has told me, he kind of took advantage and I know that he is that type of person. I feel like I should hate her so much, but I just don’t. She is depressed and I just feel sorry, and want to help her. Can someone please help? I don’t know how to feel?
My girlfriend, during her three months internship was having an affair with another intern (although she claims there was no sex). He even followed her to their family home door step for like seven days – and during those seven days, on their way to her home they kissed, he touched her ass and breast. She told me when I just curiously asked whether there something she wasn’t telling. When I asked her she initially claimed that I did not trust her and that she wasn’t sure I was not doing something of my own when I was doing my own internship – but she still trusted me not to ask that kind of question. Her response made me begin to suspect that there was something in the air. I then applied some pressure and she then told everything (I still think there is more). Now am so confused and heart-broken that I don’t know what to do. I have been going out with this girl for three years now and have been completely faithful to her. Please, I need some help on what to do. This is her first time I hope.
I was with my guy for 3-years and I was completely in love with him. In the last year I noticed he started getting vicious with his attitude, ditching me all the time and then I found out he had been cheating for 3-months. Turns out he lied to all his friends and told them we were broken-up, starting “seeing” this girl, though there was no sex I found out he would parade around with her in public and make out…I was the only one who didn’t know. It has been 4 months of us being apart and we are trying to work on being us because he is in love with me. After losing me he started doing and saying anything I asked or was possible to prove that he would never hurt me again. Though I love him and picture a future I still can’t find the strength to forgive or trust him again and wonder if it is even possible anymore.
@Julie Hi Julie, I read your story and I’m going through the same thing. I really don’t know if it can actually work out after they cheat, it’s so hard to regain that trust.
I was dating my boyfriend for 7 years. We talked about moving in together and buying our first place. After we signed contracts he backed out of the deal. I was so upset shortly thereafter we broke up because I was so resentful. After six months of not speaking we reconnected and he wanted to go back into the relationship. I wasn’t ready at the time I still wanted to consider myself “single”. I told him that I wanted to be friends for awhile before we jumped into anything again. During our off period I met another guy and it was on and off. I hung out with him occasionally, but really never saw the relationship going any further.
Sometime went by and my ex-boyfriend and I decided to give our relationship another shot. My ex-boyfriend never knew about the other guy. The other guy would sporadically text me crazy stuff – and I would ask him to stop – but it continued. My-ex intercepted a text and couldn’t believe I never told him about this other guy. He felt betrayed and lied too. He ended our relationship – but I still love my-ex. I wish I was honest with my ex about things. We are talking again after the whole ordeal – but he’s still hurt by it all. He can’t believe that I could have been with someone else. I wish I could take it all back – but I can’t.
After I was with my girlfriend for like 1 year I found a video of her with her ex from after I was with her for already 5 months. But it was very vague since I didn’t see her having sex. I had a really bad fight with her about it and she was totally messed up by my anger because I wanted to leave her immediately and because I woke her up for this. But she begged me to stay so badly and she swore to me that she didn’t have sex with him… and that he only came once because he wanted to see her one more time or he wouldn’t let her. So I decided to believe her… ( I hit her once – threw her away on the bed while trying to walk out and still she wouldn’t let me walk out of the door.. she was just grabbing me tight crying at my feet ).
So till now she is telling me every move she does and that since 2007. But I’ve got over it already. My tip is, just see how the person reacts to your anger at the moment. If you really look into the cheating persons eyes you can see regret and sadness if they really care about you and they will do ANYTHING to keep you. If not, spare yourself the horror. Even after you get it like me you need LOTS of time to regain trust – at least 1 year for me. Or you can try and get revenge… That works quite well, but trust is the key factor in this subject.
I have been married since 2001. I completely trusted this lady. I found out the other day that she was cheating with a guy at work. I had my best friend tell me about it. After I confronted her about it, she denied it. Even after I told her everything I knew (explicit when and where) she denied it. She finally came clean after an hour of interrogation. I feel as though she hasn’t told me everything and I have doubts that she has the ability to say no to the other guy. I confronted the other guy and he told me that she said that she was going to leave me. Regardless, she says she loves me and she never entertained the thought of leaving me. I know what is going to happen. I will divorce her, but we have a little boy that is in the mix. The man she cheated on me with is a alcoholic and I can’t stand the thought of him raising my child.
@TS
I understand where you’re coming from. I also gained a lot from the depr shot and my guy is looking other places now he’s talking to one girl and has continuously lied to me about her and almost went to see her without telling me. But I busted him. He quit talking to her for a while but now they are talking again and in a text he sent her yesterday he told her he loved her. I’m just as confused but I have faith in you. Good luck.
I agree… my wife cheated on me and cheating is so destructive… She blames me saying i didnt love her. I was deployed in a war zone… how can i not love her???
I have been dating a man for 4 years… We just had a baby and he decided to cheat on me when the baby is only a few months old… Now i don’t know if i can trust him… What can i do to trust him again??
I’ve been with my now ex-fiance and she cheated on me for months with another man. We have a child together. I had confronted her about cheating on me and she was honest. But I still love her and can’t let go. She is not in love with me she just loves that fact that I am a good father but not a good man for a long term relationship. What should i do?
I have been with this girl for almost 3 years. It was great until the day she told me. We were really in love and maybe still are. She was always the type who was curious and liked to discover, but we were each-other’s first, which sometimes for her I guess did feel like “how do I know this is right?”. I am very strong in morals and I value them immensely. After 5 months from when it happened, she told me that she had cheated. I asked how and all because I did want to know the details, and I know enough about it and about how she felt and all at the time. She never stopped loving me, I don’t think because she didn’t enjoy the sex with him that one time only that it happened. She cried during it and was just lying there. I feel that she did this because also she loves me she just never had anything to compare it to, and she just needed to, just so that she could appreciate me and us fully.
Now that she has had that experience and has compared me with someone, she fully knows this is it and we are right. I am very hurt though, and because my strong morals I don’t know if I can get over it and take her back. I still love her, but what she used to be, not the her now, with this mistake. I almost believe that she is not in the “once a cheater, always a cheater” category, but I just think that if I take her back and try to work on gaining trust again I will just change her as a person with my compulsive needs at this point and not make her life easy or happy. Because of this I feel that she will try to get my trust, but maybe give up along the way, because of the things she had to give up and who she has become, how she is so closed from the world, and eventually we will not be happy any more, or break up, or always fight, or she might just cheat again because she will find someone who will trust her more than I do now, and will just give up in fixing us.
I just wanted to know if anyone has been in this position or has any experience about this, seen it from friends or whatever. Like what to do with someone that didn’t want to cheat, but instead wanted to compare you with another to see how great you are, because of her inexperience before this and the “is this it?” question????
Thank you in advance to whoever that just gives me their opinion or expertise.
Did you consider she’s trying to not hurt your feelings? Of course she would say she didn’t enjoy it. Otherwise that would cause even more hurt. It still seems to me like a very cold-hearted and cruel thing to do, to sleep with someone else, so as to be able to “compare” you to someone else. Maybe she’s not a serial cheater, but she could have suggested you spend some time apart, so at least you would have been aware of where you stand.
I find a useful thing is to ask yourself honestly: “would I have acted the same way?”. If the answer is “no way, never”, then there’s some serious thinking you need to do about whether the feelings in the relationship are equal. But everyone is different and ultimately it’s up to you if you really love her, and believe you can continue with the relationship. As you said in your post, the lost trust between you is going to cause significant difficulties in the relationship, at least to begin with.
I don’t think a woman does this to one she really loves. But that’s my opinion and I’m no expert!! Remember, she was YOUR first too, and you didn’t cheat on her!
Hey I just found out my girlfriend kissed another boy (she told me over the phone ) so I asked her to come down so we can speak but then she dropped an even bigger bomb – she had sex with him. She said it only lasted a about a minute and pushed him off, she was non stop crying since she got down to mine and was so regretful. I believe her what happened so I decided to forgive her for reasons that don’t want to get into. I know she loves me and I love her also but now she has gone home I feel so gutted she said it was nothing. It just happened because there was an attraction there. I knew this day would come because I was her first and I think no1 has only 1 sexual partner in their life time. She says she hated it and crying, that’s why she pushed him off. I guess that makes me feel a little better and she came to her senses and she has told him she don’t want to see him again and deleted his number off her phone. But the fact she couldn’t stop crying and was so regretful that’s got me thinking everyone deserves a second chance, what do you think??? Am I stupid to forgive her?
I just got married, and my husband’s ex-girlfriend has got another boy friend, but she has been keeping sending my husband sms and calling him telling him that she misses him and that she dreams about him. She knows that he is with me, but she seems not being respectful for our relationship. I talked with him about it on day and he told me that he will tell her that they shouldn’t be talking any longer, but what actually happened that he could not tell her so, so every time she calls he doesn’t answer. She planned to move to the state where we live. After a month of keeping sending sms and calling to tell that she is coming soon and that she can’t wait to have adventures with him he called her, but I did not know what happened because he doesn’t tell me and I’m so disappointed. I need advice because I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m worried that she pulls him into cheating which will lead us to the end for sure.
Hello, I’ve been dating a girl for three years now. Everything seemed fine until about late last year. See, we’d known each other and dated for three years, going on four had it continued. So there was quite a bit of trust. Now, just to come out and say it, I’m not a very emotional guy when it comes to these things, but what Taylor did really hurt. I started to notice funny activity and traits from her last year and it was a friend who found her Facebook and informed me she was in a relationship – just not with me, anymore. Taylor did not tell me, she didn’t even hint at this one bit. But I found out. I confronted her about it and come to find out she’s set to marry this “new guy” in her life.
I’m conflicted, but at the same time I felt this was coming from the very day I noticed her acting different with me. It has been proven, of course, that she has made love with the guy while we were still “together”, or however you want to see this one-sided relationship. I called it off, I was the adult in the matter to say the least, and I reacted to it like a normal human being. But I still feel so hurt and down about it. Hence, why I stumbled across this fine article. I just want to know – should I take counselling to get over it?