A healthy romantic relationship is supposed to produce feelings of happiness and security but being involved with a controller can fill a person with anxiety and tension. Controllers are people with a personality disorder and they can make life hell for their romantic partners, family and anyone else close to them. Controllers may suffer from one or a combination of personality disorders.

This type of person feels they must control everyone and every situation in order to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy. Relationships with controllers become stagnant because they cannot grow when one person seeks to dominate the other. There are several red flags that will indicate a relationship with a controller. Most controllers will not display these warning signs at first for fear that the relationship will end immediately but as soon as they feel they’ve reeled in their catch, the warning signs will begin to appear. Look for the warning signals.

Shallow Emotions
Controllers have very shallow emotions. They can attach and detach with amazing speed. They show very little remorse following a breakup, divorce or even the death of a spouse and can become involved in another relationship very quickly. They may find another romantic interest in as little as a couple of weeks or even days. They often display shallow emotions toward their loved ones, such as parents and even children.

Once a controller sets her sights on a love interest, she moves in quickly. She may outwardly declare her love and start talking about marriage in as little as 2 to 4 weeks of dating. Soon, she may announce that she is pregnant. Male controllers act in much the same way, usually proposing marriage soon after the start of the relationship.

Self-Centered
Controllers are very self-centered individuals that have a “me” mentality. A controller wants all of the attention to be focused on her. She has to be the center of her partner’s universe and she perceives anyone as a threat that may divert the partner’s attention away from her. The controller resents the time her partner spends with his children, family or friends and will try to control that aspect of his life.

Controllers have little regard for the concerns of others, focusing almost exclusively on their own needs. They often appear to act as though they are deeply concerned about others, displaying actions such as calling friends to ask how they are feeling, but in reality their behavior is only a mask to hide their own self-centered concerns.

Entitlement
Controllers have an enormous sense of entitlement. They believe that they have a right to be the center of attention. They feel they deserve respect, power or acknowledgement. They feel that they have the right to do whatever they want to do and that others should meet their demands. If their desires or demands aren’t met, they often react by creating a scene or punishing their partner with the “silent treatment.” Their behavior can be compared to a child that has a temper tantrum because he doesn’t get his way.

Isolation
A controller may fear that her partner’s friends and family will detect their controlling behavior and reveal her true intentions to her partner. In order to prevent this, she will attempt to isolate him from his friends and family. Controllers are natural manipulators and they will use manipulation tactics in order to exert control. The two most common manipulation tactics that controllers use are to make grandiose promises or threats.

They have a strong need to be in control and if they feel they are losing control they become threatened. They will try to get their partner to become angry at friends or family in order to create a rift and keep the partner isolated. The controller may tell the partner that friends or family are jealous of him or using him. A controller may go as far as telling her partner that his friend made a pass at her to get the friend out of the partner’s life. Controllers will also get angry if the partner’s friends or family come to visit.

A controller will try to prevent her partner from participating in outside activities. She will attempt to persuade her partner to abandon all hobbies and interests that she can’t have total control over. If her partner does participate in any activity, she will insist on accompanying him. A controller will even insist on taking the children along, knowing that her partner will have to focus his attention on her and the family, thereby preventing him from completely enjoying the activity. If the controller cannot prevent her partner’s participation in outdoor interests, she makes sure that she is present, so that she still has some degree of control.

Interrogation
People who are controllers would make excellent interrogators because they question their partners as if they had committed a crime. A controller will question her partner incessantly. She will want to know his whereabouts, who he talked to, what he did and all the details. A controller will call her partner several times a day, even when he is at work. If he doesn’t answer his phone right away, she will interrogate him.

Controllers often like money because they are self-centered but they also resent the amount of time their partners spend at work. Controllers have paranoid tendencies and will look through phones, wallets and other personal items for evidence of cheating. A controller may even go as far as following her partner around, spying on or stalking him.

Physical Abuse
Although most controllers exert control by using emotional abuse, some also use physical abuse. Both male and female controllers may hit, kick, slap, punch or otherwise physically abuse their partners. A controller may also display violent behavior by breaking items or destroying property to intimidate the partner.

Blame
Controllers love to play the blame game. They always blame the partners for everything that goes wrong in the relationship or more accurately, when they don’t get their way. When the controller doesn’t get her way, she becomes verbally abusive and tries to destroy what is left of her partner’s self-esteem. Then suddenly her personality will become sweet and docile. She will say she’s sorry, although she doesn’t really mean it and start making promises she doesn’t intent to keep. The next time she doesn’t get her way, the cycle of blame will begin again.

Know-it-All
Controllers are often know-it-all personality types. A controller will correct her partner all the time, in effect like she is disciplining a child. She sees herself as superior to her partner and others. She may insult his speech, dress or other behavior. Controllers act self-confident even though they have very low levels of self-esteem and often berate their partners in front of other people. They also tend to be arrogant and quick to make sarcastic remarks. The partner often feels as though he is walking on eggshells for fear of interrogation or never being able to do enough for his controlling partner.

Listen to Family and Friends
People are often blinded by their relationships and don’t always see the truth. People close to the partner of a controller are often able to see through the manipulative behavior. If the majority of the partner’s family and friends do not like the controller, it may be wise to listen. While it is always true that there will be people that don’t like others, in the case of a controller type relationship, family and friends are usually right. It is definitely wise to listen to what other people say regarding the controller and take it into consideration.

Fear of a Break-Up
If the partner has finally had enough and decides to get out of the relationship, the controller will panic and try a multitude of tactics to keep the partner from leaving. They will go to extreme lengths to stay in control of the relationship. A controller may beg, plead, cry or threaten the partner to make him stay. She will promise to change and may even threaten to commit suicide if he leaves.

If the partner does manage to escape from the controller, he should keep his distance and not return to the relationship. Once a person has left a controller, if he returns, the controller will make it even more difficult for him to leave again. Once a person has left a controller partner, she will call repeatedly and may even call the ex-partner’s friends and family members, begging them to tell the ex-partner to come back to her. She may send the ex-partner gifts or even show up at his workplace and cause a scene, begging him to come back.

Escaping the grasp of a controller personality type can be extremely difficult and stressful. In some cases, it may even be necessary to get a restraining order against the person. People with a controlling personality need professional assistance and should seek the help of a qualified therapist.

Resources and further reading:
Stanford.edu
MentalHealthMatters.com
Way2Hope.org

Relationships Abuse, Controller, Mental Abuse, Selfishness

Online dating has no doubt revolutionized the way people meet for friendship and romance. In fact, studies indicate that it now ranks third on the list of six most common and popular ways to meet someone new. However, while most go into online dating with good intentions, there are a percentage of so-called online daters whose objectives are less than honorable. These types see an online dating site as merely a forum for running scams or for living out some sort of fantasy life– all at the expense of others. Whether the investment is financial or emotional on the part of the innocent, devastating loss is often the end result.

Online dating scammers (or predators) are highly adept at manipulating others. They are so practiced in their craft that the red flags to their behavior are typically only realized after someone’s heart (or pocketbook) has been broken. To keep from becoming a statistic in the online dating scene, watch for these common indicators:

Red flag #1: A life story that is larger than life itself

Scammers can’t work their magic without first drawing in a victim. Therefore, their life story is often a feel good tale of rags to riches, jet-setting, charity and privilege. Or, he or she may be the underdog fighting for some good cause. Whatever the case, dating scammers portray themselves as doing the incredible all while maintaining a seemingly modest and approachable disposition.

Red flag #2: The wonderful life tinged with tragedy
Just like the rising action of a well-laid plot, there will likely be a parent, a sibling or grandparent struck down by a rare illness or sudden accident. If not this, it will be something to pull at the heartstrings of their victim. At this point, the financial scammer may begin sniffing around for money. Conversely, the emotional scammer is simply looking to feed on sympathy.

Red flag #3: Communication is erratic
Once the trap is laid, the predator will subtly arrange it so that he or she does all the contacting. This contact comes only between certain hours, certain days of the week or a combination thereof. During these times, he or she may talk in hushed tones or end phone calls abruptly. There may even be long spans without communication.

One of the biggest red flags of an online dating scammer is someone who claims to travel extensively or make trips ‘out of the country’ for extended periods of time. The scammer may claim to be stranded in a remote African country, and require your assistance to get home. African countries are the source of numerous dating scams; be especially wary of Nigeria, Senegal, Ghana, and the Ivory Coast.

Red flag#4: An online relationship that feels meant to be — until it’s time to meet

An online dating scammer will make any excuse he or she can to not meet in person. Or, he or she will agree to meet but cancel or consistently put off plans at the last minute. This will be weaved with heartrending excuses, promises to meet at a later date or more ‘tragedies’ in order to distract a victim from questioning the predator’s motives.

Red flag #5: An online relationship that is one-sided and all give

A relationship with an online dating predator is not only financially or emotionally draining, it never goes anywhere. After a while, the victim begins to notice that everything revolves totally around the person on the other end. When the jig is finally up, the scammer will likely disappear without a trace and move on to the next victim.

What to do in the case of a suspected online dating scammer:

Cut all communication immediately. Do not answer emails and, if necessary, change phone numbers. Expect further attempts at manipulation via sob stories, emotional blackmail or even new and sudden “misfortunes”. Do not be drawn back in to the trap. Be prepared to document any behavior that suddenly becomes abusive or threatening and report it immediately to the online dating site hosting the scammer’s profile and/or the police.

Practice online dating safety. Just because an online dating site implements identity confirmation procedures or background checks, do not toss personal accountability aside. For the dating scammer, a victim is nothing more than someone who aids in keeping the con alive. It is therefore imperative to establish firm emotional boundaries when choosing to meet and date people online.

Do not feel stupid. Getting financially or emotionally scammed by an online dating predator has nothing to do with one’s intelligence. Even the most astute individual can be drawn in by a skilled con artist. What matters most is learning from the experience and maintaining control of one’s online dating experience at all times.

Safety Fraud, Online Safety, Scams

Attractive, smart, and successful men everywhere may be puzzled by the lack of response to their online dating profiles. This article outlines five top reasons why women may be quick to reject certain men on dating sites.

Online dating is an increasingly popular way for eligible men to meet interesting woman, but, unfortunately, this avenue isn’t immune to the snap judgments and superficial filters commonplace in conventional dating. In fact, because dating sites allow women to effortlessly search, block, and favorite potential mates, creating the illusion of a never ending supply of suitors, guys must be especially careful when crafting their online dating personas to avoid immediate dismissal. Here are some top reasons why your profile might have women quickly fumbling for the back button.

1 – You sound unbelievable full of yourself

Resist the urge to treat your profile like a diary/resume, as you risk appearing painfully self-obsessed. Yes, we want to know more about you, but your 2,000 word essay detailing your ten year ascension into your perfect job just makes you sound pompous and self-aggrandizing. Instead, opt for more generalized language, like ‘successful financial planner,’ or ‘very happy with my job.’ This brings home the point, while still piquing our interests.

2 – Your picture is kind of creepy

Online dating has the distinct advantage of giving users full control of first impressions, making it almost inexcusable to display strange or unflattering pictures. Avoid pictures that were taken from an awkwardly low angle, that include your shower curtain as the backdrop, or that feature you in a fedora. Forgo the hard, aloof expressions best suited for male models, using instead pictures that showcase a warm, genuine smile. Try pictures from a night out with friends or from your best friend’s wedding, as you will likely exude personality and confidence. Just remember to crop, particularly if your buddy is slightly more attractive. And if you like to include body shots, please adhere to a 2:1 ratio of clothed to shirtless photos.

3 – You create unreasonably high expectations

Even a beautiful, confident woman may be taken aback by a laundry list of partner requirements, particularly if they’re mostly superficial. Instead, politely mention deal breakers, such as smoking or having nine cats, while describing a few of your preferences using welcoming language. (“Although, I appreciate women of all shapes, I find myself often attracted to curvy women.”) Refrain from posting any pictures with a svelte, devastating hot friend or ex-girlfriend, as this just invites women to see how they stack up. And, under no circumstances, mention by name any models or actresses who you think are the ‘ideal woman.’ Not only is it exceedingly unlikely you’ll woo her carbon copy, but you run the risk of sending away an attractive women with feelings of inadequacy.

4 -You sound stupid

Yes, you list your occupation as a civil engineer, but your grammar and syntax are deplorable. Is it fair to conclude that you’re unintelligent because you failed to use the past perfect tense while describing your recent vacation? No, but without the benefit of conversation or nonverbal cues, we are forced to use something to gauge your intelligence. So turn off caps lock, spell out any text shorthand, and take ten minutes to copy and paste text into a word processing document for spelling and grammar help. This way we can focus on what a great guy you are, not your inadequate use of punctuation.

5. You sound like you’re looking for sex

If you are actually looking exclusively for casual sex, feel free to skip this one. But for those men who are looking for something more, please be aware that certain words and phrases, such as ‘healthy sex drive’ or ‘enjoys being physical,’ send the message that a shallow, physical relationship is your main objective. Either you will attract women who seek that particular type of relationship or repel the ones who do not. Rest assured that any woman reading your profile assumes you like sex, so don’t feel compelled to needlessly reference your carnal desires. Instead, use that space to describe your most enduring personality characteristics that would make us swoon at the chance to be with you emotionally and sexually.

Remember that the real key to online dating is capturing a woman’s interest enough to set up an offline meeting. With some thoughtful editing and mindfulness to presentation, you can increase your chances of finding a wonderful mate.

Personal Profiles First Impressions, Men, Personal Profiles