Infidelity in a marriage can be one of the most heart wrenching and debilitating experiences you could possibly encounter. Finding out your spouse has been cheating on you can knock you square in the gut and bring you straight to your knees. It’s the ultimate betrayal by someone you love. And, unfortunately, infidelity in a marriage is extremely common. Although statistics differ, it’s estimated that around 50% of spouses cheat at least once in their marriage.

Your Initial Reaction
Your initial reaction might be one of disbelief or even, perhaps, resignation. You might be so angry that you‘ll do or say something you‘ll regret. It‘s possible you‘ll be engulfed in sadness which will lead you into a state of depression. It could be none of these or a combination of these. It could be something else entirely. Everyone reacts to and deals with infidelity differently and none of these reactions are wrong.

Once the initial shock, anger and sadness have subsided, you’ll have to make a decision as to whether or not your marriage can survive. Essentially, you have two options. You’ll either decide to stay together or you’ll decide to end your marriage.

Deciding to Stick it Out
If you decide to work it out, there are a number of steps you and your spouse must take in order to get through the situation and salvage your marriage.

The first and most important event that must happen is for your spouse to end all contact with the other man or woman in their life. There can be absolutely no negotiation regarding this issue. In the unfortunate and tricky event that your spouse was cheating with a co-worker , it goes without saying that your spouse will have to find another job immediately. You cannot move ahead in your marriage knowing that your spouse will see his or her ex on a daily basis at work. Even though the job market is tough right now, you’ll never be able to build any sort of trust again if the two of them continue to see one another. Of course, the same principle applies in any other area where your spouse and the ex are bound to have routine contact.

Once all contact ends, both you and your spouse need to attend marriage counseling. It’s important to find a counselor that you both feel comfortable talking with about extremely personal issues. It may take multiple visits to multiple practitioners to find the right match for both of you. One positive aspect of marriage counseling is that a counselor can often open up lines of communication that have been long gone or were never there to begin with. Unfortunately, a lack of communication in your marriage can often lead to feelings of isolation, resulting in infidelity. It’s exceptionally important that you feel comfortable talking to your spouse and they feel comfortable talking to you. A counselor can help greatly in this area and can often recommend tools and techniques for improving those verbal, and nonverbal, lines of communication.

Moving Beyond the Lack of Trust
You’ll also need to be extremely realistic in dealing with one another. You will not get over an affair right away, and if your spouse expects you to, you will continue to have issues. The lack of trust will overwhelm you and cause you to question everything your spouse is doing, everyone your spouse is talking to and every minute your spouse is not with you. No matter how hard you try, this lack of trust is inevitable. Although it won’t be an easy task, your spouse has to rebuild the trust that was lost overnight. It could take years for that to happen, so you both have to be committed to rebuilding the relationship.

Establish “date-night”. Though it might seem cliché, having a set time for you and your spouse to spend time with one another alone, talking, laughing and enjoying one another, it can be one of best gifts you give yourselves as a couple. The responsibilities associated with marriage, parenting and life in general bring with them massive amounts of stress; yet another factor in the evolution of infidelity.

The simple fact is that your relationship will never be the same again, but perhaps that’s not a bad thing. Maybe it was never great to begin with and it can improve through the trials and tribulations you’re currently facing.

When Separation is the Only Option
You might find that you’re simply unable to move ahead with your marriage. In that particular case, you and your partner will need to make extremely difficult decisions regarding how to move forward individually. This can become even more stressful when there are children involved.

No matter what, don’t have discussions or arguments in front of your children. It’s not fair to them and will do nothing but hurt them in the long run. What’s happening in your marriage is between you and your spouse and children don’t need to hear the sordid details. Once you’ve reached a decision regarding divorce, both of you should sit down and talk with your children together. If your kids can see a united front when it comes to them, it will help them heal and move forward. In addition, your kids will see right from the get-go that they won’t be able to manipulate you and use you against each other with the popular mom-said-this, dad-said this game.

You’ll want to find a good divorce attorney, but keep in mind that the more cordial you can be with your spouse, the better it will be for everyone in the long run. If possible, sit down with your spouse and discuss options. Make a list of your wants and needs and have your spouse do the same. Then, do your best to combine those lists into one acceptable agreement. You will both have to make concessions, but it’s much easier to divide the marital assets if you go in knowing that neither of you will get everything you want.

The Healing Process
Once your divorce is final, give yourself time to heal. Dating will not be easy for a while, so it might be best to concentrate on yourself and your children. Take up a new hobby, follow that dream you put aside when you first got married and take a lot of time to get to know yourself as a single person. Once you’ve taken those steps, you will find it a lot easier to move forward with your life.

There is no right or wrong answer regarding the path to take after infidelity. Be realistic and honest with yourself and your spouse. Ultimately, it’s simply a choice of what you can or can’t forgive.

Affairs and Cheating Affairs, Cheating, Divorce, Infidelity, Separating

Knowing when to leave a marriage can be confusing and one of the most difficult decisions you’ll ever make. However, it can also be the first step to a healthier, happier life. How smooth your process will be will largely depend on how prepared you are, so careful preparation should be your first priority. There is also a difference between abusive and non-abusive marriages and the approach you should take.

Abusive Relationships

Step 1: Plan where you and your children, if you have any, will live. If you are in a relationship where there’s been physical violence, you and your children’s safety should be your most important consideration, and will be a major determining factor in your plan. If you are a woman, find out if there is a battered women’s shelter you can use as a temporary place to stay. Do not tell your spouse when you are going or where you have gone until you know you are safe — but do tell him so he doesn’t assume you have kidnapped the children and then try to take legal action against you. If you stay with friends or family, ask them not to disclose where you are until you have told your spouse.

Step 2: Set aside enough money to set yourself and the kids up in a new place, if possible. The more money you have, the more power you will have. Get a bank account and credit card in your own name that your spouse can’t access. This will require as much advance planning as possible. You will have to consider rent (including moving-in costs), utilities, food, car or travel expenses and clothing at the bare minimum. You will also have to have enough money to retain an attorney as soon as possible.

Step 3: Consult an attorney before you leave, if possible, and follow his recommendations. Be honest about your situation and disclose the abuse. People in abusive relationships are often in denial about the seriousness of the situation and consciously or unconsciously defend their partners. This is the time to shake off any denial and be emotionally honest with yourself. Ask your attorney if he believes a restraining order is appropriate and obtain it.

Step 4: Gather together your most important belongings–medications, documents, clothing, personal items, your children’s things and other personal things you don’t want to leave behind. Remember the title to your car, birth certificates, bank and credit card statements, unpaid bills, diplomas, and professional licenses. You may not be able to go back to your old house, so be thorough.

Step 5: Get a cell phone if you don’t have one. If you have a cell phone, get a separate account and change the number, or get a pre-paid phone. Ensure your spouse doesn’t get the number until things settle down and you and the children are safe.

Step 6: Get a post office box to minimize the chance of your mail getting lost, and your spouse getting your new address. File a forwarding address with the post office.

Step 7: Seek support through a group or individual counseling. Abusive relationships take their toll on self-esteem and can lead to depression and other mental health issues. Counseling or therapy can help you learn to take care of yourself and empower you to learn to have healthy relationships. This is as important for men as it is for women–abusive relationships aren’t exclusive to women.

Non-abusive Relationships

Step 1: Make a plan to move out. If your relationship is not abusive, there will be fewer things to worry about, like getting a restraining order or seeking shelter in a public facility. You will need to budget how much money you will need for a new place to live, including moving costs, monthly living expenses, and attorney’s fees. If you and your spouse agree that a divorce is the best option, your process will be much easier and you may be able to come up with a plan together. If you are not employed, or are only employed part-time, wait until you are more financially self-sufficient so you won’t have to rely entirely on your spouse for support.

Step 2: Inform your spouse that you are leaving. Have a discussion that will do as little emotional damage to everybody as possible. Be frank about your feelings by stating that you don’t feel the marriage can be saved. Take responsibility for your own feelings without laying blame on your spouse. State that you want to be as cooperative as possible through the divorce process. Be firm about your decision and don’t allow yourself to be talked out of it. Have an overnight bag packed with enough things for a few days away in the event the discussion becomes heated, and until you can go back and pack everything you need for a permanent move-out. Leave with as much kindness as possible, and if you think you can stay friends with your spouse, say that.

Step 3: Consult an attorney as soon as you are certain that you want a divorce to determine where you stand legally. If there are children, custody and visitation rights will have to be arranged. If there are substantial assets, they will have to be divided according to state law, or according to any prenuptial agreement. Divorce laws don’t always seem fair (for example, a husband may be required to pay spousal support even when a spouse refused to work during a marriage) so be aware of what kind of battle you will be up against. If leaving the marriage is your idea, your spouse will likely take it as a rejection and may react severely by using the law against you.

Step 4: Make a plan for your children. If you can, discuss with your spouse who the children will live with and how you will tell them. If not, discuss it with the children yourself. Be frank without giving them too many details, and let them know that it’s not their fault. Tell them that mommy and daddy can’t be happy together anymore, that life will be better if they live separately, and don’t lay blame on anyone. Children often take responsibility for the breakup of their parents’ marriage. Reassure them that they are loved and that the divorce will be the best for them in the long run.

Step 5: Get emotional support by joining a divorce support group or going to counseling. Talk to people who’ve been through it so you know what to potentially expect, emotionally, mentally and financially. Also consider getting emotional support for your children, and keep communicating with them throughout the process to determine if there will need to be a therapeutic intervention. Some signs are changes in behavior, such as problems in school, fighting, or becoming withdrawn or angry.

References
Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide
Divorce 360: Beginning Checklist: Planning to File for Divorce

Divorce Abuse, Children, Divorce, Marriage, Violence

By now, most dating sites have added instant messaging (IM) features. They’re a fun way to flirt in real time with people you’re interested in. IM can also be an easy way to gauge chemistry. After all, if you can’t hold a conversation over IM, it’s doubtful that you’ll be able to do so in person. However, you should exercise care with the feature. Because of the on-the-spot nature of IMs, it becomes especially vital to stay on your toes to ensure that the interest level of the person you’re chatting with remains high. If you inadvertently bore or offend them, the IM session is not going to end with the flirtatious exchange of phone numbers. However, using IM the right way is a great way to impress someone with your confidence and your skills as a conversationalist. Here’s how:

1. Don’t Start With “Hi”

While “hi” is a perfectly nice thing to say, it’s not incredibly interesting. Almost anyone who receives their fair share of attention on a dating site with IM features routinely gets so many “hi”s that they become easy to ignore. Your opener should make it obvious that you read their profile and were so interested that you simply had to IM them. For example, asking someone their opinion of the book that they just read cries out for a response much more urgently than a generic greeting. Think of something memorable and unique to them. The effort you put forth will put a smile on their face.

2. Ditch the Small Talk

Chit-chat about the weather or what you both did last weekend won’t do much to increase their interest level. Flex your conversational muscle. Be funny, witty, and always interesting. They’ll love the way your IMs keep them on their toes. Don’t be afraid to be confident and respectfully flirtatious. It’s a much bigger risk to be boring and safe, especially during a conversation that can end immediately. Don’t have them close your window with a yawn — keep it lively.

3. Keep the Conversation Short

Don’t overstay your welcome. Once it’s clear that they’re interested, bring the conversation to a gentle close. Leaving them wanting more is infinitely preferable to a long IM session that exhausts all conversation and has them ending it with a bored “Anyway…” Unless the interest level is through the roof for both of you, you probably shouldn’t ask for a date immediately. But you should advance the idea of a face-to-face meeting in the near future. Tell them about a cafe you love or a new restaurant you’re dying to try. Make it obvious that you’re interested in their company and that you intend to raise the stakes sooner rather than later. A little forwardness can work in your favor. Even during a first conversation.

4. Be Interesting — But Be Interested, Too

In your conversation, make it very clear that you read their profile. Ask them questions about themselves, about their careers and extracurricular passions. A genuine interest will be much more attractive to them than any line. Listening skills can be apparent even over IM. And, yes, they’re very attractive.

5. Use IM to Quickly Move Past IM

Even the most fascinating IM sessions will soon lose their thrill. After two or three (at most), ask for a face-to-face meeting and a number. Too many IMs will make them wonder if you’re looking for a chat buddy instead of a romantic partner. Once you rapidly escalate the interest level via IM, you should strike while your text banter still makes them smile. If you wait too long, they’ll undoubtedly move on to someone with more initiative.

Dating Essentials Conversation Topics, Flirting, Instant Messaging