Maybe you’re tired of those dating experiences where there seem to be sparks flying between you and the other person and yet somehow things never gel. Maybe you keep getting involved with people who turn out to be a lot different from your initial impressions of them. Or maybe the whole dating game just feels like so much shooting in the dark. If dating is a game, it’s played on a wide playing field. You’ll stand a better chance of finding what you want out there if you first get clear about what your real desires and needs actually are.

Because there’s no such thing as a match that’s perfect in every way, a good first step is to consider what would be essential to you in a partnership, and what would merely be desirable or preferable. Your own lifestyle can provide you with a lot of clues as to what aspects of life are indispensable and what aspects you’d be willing to compromise on. Is your basic speed of life casual or fast? Are you more often social or private? Do you place a lot of value on possessions, or are you content to just earn enough money to live on? If your attitude towards money is casual, then you can probably spare yourself a lot if disappointment down the road if you avoid dating highly motivated career people.

It’s true that differences between partners can energize a relationship and create chemistry. It would be a mistake to look for a partner who’s “just like you”. But any relationship – and particularly a committed one – is going to occupy a lot of the time that is available in your life. You’ll want to devote that time, or at least a good portion of it, to doing things that you enjoy. Take a look at your hobbies and interests, and think about the kinds of things you like to do when you’re alone. If you value fitness and being outdoors, then it may be a stretch for you to see yourself with a homebody who loves to read and do crosswords.

It’d be worth your while to investigate your personal values in other, less obvious areas. Think of the conversations that you typically have with friends. Do you like to get deep and philosophical, or do you prefer to keep things light? Do you tend to be talkative, or do you enjoy having some space for introspection? If you’re the quiet type, you might enjoy having a partner who’s a little more verbose. On the other hand, if you can’t get any quiet then this might not be the person for you.

It can also be fruitful to explore your personal beliefs about relationships in general. Does your vision of a partnership involve sharing every moment together, doing a lot of things independently, or something in between? Is physical appearance more or less important than intelligence, or simple kindness? The answers that you uncover to these sorts of questions can point you towards the flavor of relationship that you prefer. That, in turn, will help you to recognize it when it comes.

Relationships Partner, Personal Values, Relationships

Many people who’re romantically involved dread hearing words to this effect from their significant other: “We need to talk about what’s going on with us.” The reason why these words can evoke such fear in us is because we tend not to hear any hope in them. “We need to talk” might as well translate to “It’s over”. The opportunity that was really there – to remember our vision for the relationship and acknowledge where maybe we’ve fallen short of that vision – is therefore oftentimes not recognized. But a partnership that can’t encompass occasional conflicts, and process them, has no room in which to evolve. When it falls into a rut, it stays there – or it ends.

A partnership is, in effect, a commitment between two people to keep growing together. This means that problems will be identified, dragged out into the open, and talked about. Any conflict can really be seen as simply an obstruction that stands between two people and the love that they feel for each other. Thus, it may not represent a “problem” at all, but rather an opportunity to get back to the love. We can take advantage of the moment, then, by honestly expressing our own point of view, listening respectfully to what our partners have to say, or both.

Desires, expectations, hopes, and dreams…all these things should be openly acknowledged, both to ourselves and to our partners. Otherwise, disappointments will fester beneath the surface. Disappointments are really there to tell us that there were certain ways in which we expected love and consideration from our partners and didn’t receive it. We can pretend that we’re all right with the status quo. But if we’re really not, then that dissatisfaction will find its outlet, in large or small ways that undermine whatever good feeling exists within the relationship. The same thing will happen if our intimate partners don’t tell us what’s on their minds.

Freedom of expression should always be allowed – indeed, encouraged – on both sides. And any time is a good time to talk. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a long discussion. In fact, one of the best tactics can be to quickly clear up misunderstandings as soon as they occur. That way they can’t accumulate, over time, into bigger issues. If you ever find yourself reacting to your partner with anger that’s out of all proportion to whatever is happening in the moment, this is a good sign that you’ve been carrying around accumulated frustration that should’ve been aired sooner.

Most of the reasons why relationships fall into a rut can be resolved with good communication. Disturbing influences need to be called by name. Doing so will rob them of much of their power. Ignoring disturbances never makes them go away, and both partners – particularly if they live together – will feel the simmering tension and uneasiness. This can only be diffused if both of them are willing to talk it out.

Relationships Communication, Talk

Does a man cheat on his wife or girlfriend because he watched his father cheat on his mother for years while growing up? On the other hand, does a woman cheat on her husband or significant other simply because she spent countless years watching her mother have one affair after another despite the hurt she inflicted on her husband? Is this type of behavior learned during childhood and adolescence?

If one considers the fact that many behaviors are learned, then in all likelihood, you will also come to the conclusion that cheating is learned behavior. Like most family behaviors, if a person spends enough time watching it, the behavior becomes ingrained into the individual’s behavior patterns.

From the mundane to the important tasks and actions that humans take in life, most behavior is a form of learned activity. From the way that humans place the roll of toilet paper in to the dispenser to the way that they set the kitchen table to the manner of communication that they use, human behavior is primarily learned behavior.

Parents teach their children how to complete simple tasks such as tying their shoes, getting dressed in the morning, and how to read and write. While they are at it, parents unconsciously teach their children how to speak to other human beings and how to show or not show love. If a parent is cheating on a spouse, quite often the children are aware of it.

Even if an individual grows up with a parent or parents who cheat on each other, this same individual has a choice to make. He can choose to cheat on his significant other or he can choose not to follow in the footsteps that taught him so much as he was growing up.

Affairs and Cheating Affairs, Behavior, Cheating