Your Initial Reaction
Your initial reaction might be one of disbelief or even, perhaps, resignation. You might be so angry that you‘ll do or say something you‘ll regret. It‘s possible you‘ll be engulfed in sadness which will lead you into a state of depression. It could be none of these or a combination of these. It could be something else entirely. Everyone reacts to and deals with infidelity differently and none of these reactions are wrong.

Once the initial shock, anger and sadness have subsided, you’ll have to make a decision as to whether or not your marriage can survive. Essentially, you have two options. You’ll either decide to stay together or you’ll decide to end your marriage.

Deciding to Stick it Out
If you decide to work it out, there are a number of steps you and your spouse must take in order to get through the situation and salvage your marriage.

The first and most important event that must happen is for your spouse to end all contact with the other man or woman in their life. There can be absolutely no negotiation regarding this issue. In the unfortunate and tricky event that your spouse was cheating with a co-worker , it goes without saying that your spouse will have to find another job immediately. You cannot move ahead in your marriage knowing that your spouse will see his or her ex on a daily basis at work. Even though the job market is tough right now, you’ll never be able to build any sort of trust again if the two of them continue to see one another. Of course, the same principle applies in any other area where your spouse and the ex are bound to have routine contact.

Once all contact ends, both you and your spouse need to attend marriage counseling. It’s important to find a counselor that you both feel comfortable talking with about extremely personal issues. It may take multiple visits to multiple practitioners to find the right match for both of you. One positive aspect of marriage counseling is that a counselor can often open up lines of communication that have been long gone or were never there to begin with. Unfortunately, a lack of communication in your marriage can often lead to feelings of isolation, resulting in infidelity. It’s exceptionally important that you feel comfortable talking to your spouse and they feel comfortable talking to you. A counselor can help greatly in this area and can often recommend tools and techniques for improving those verbal, and nonverbal, lines of communication.

Moving Beyond the Lack of Trust
You’ll also need to be extremely realistic in dealing with one another. You will not get over an affair right away, and if your spouse expects you to, you will continue to have issues. The lack of trust will overwhelm you and cause you to question everything your spouse is doing, everyone your spouse is talking to and every minute your spouse is not with you. No matter how hard you try, this lack of trust is inevitable. Although it won’t be an easy task, your spouse has to rebuild the trust that was lost overnight. It could take years for that to happen, so you both have to be committed to rebuilding the relationship.

Establish “date-night”. Though it might seem cliché, having a set time for you and your spouse to spend time with one another alone, talking, laughing and enjoying one another, it can be one of best gifts you give yourselves as a couple. The responsibilities associated with marriage, parenting and life in general bring with them massive amounts of stress; yet another factor in the evolution of infidelity.

The simple fact is that your relationship will never be the same again, but perhaps that’s not a bad thing. Maybe it was never great to begin with and it can improve through the trials and tribulations you’re currently facing.

When Separation is the Only Option
You might find that you’re simply unable to move ahead with your marriage. In that particular case, you and your partner will need to make extremely difficult decisions regarding how to move forward individually. This can become even more stressful when there are children involved.

No matter what, don’t have discussions or arguments in front of your children. It’s not fair to them and will do nothing but hurt them in the long run. What’s happening in your marriage is between you and your spouse and children don’t need to hear the sordid details. Once you’ve reached a decision regarding divorce, both of you should sit down and talk with your children together. If your kids can see a united front when it comes to them, it will help them heal and move forward. In addition, your kids will see right from the get-go that they won’t be able to manipulate you and use you against each other with the popular mom-said-this, dad-said this game.

You’ll want to find a good divorce attorney, but keep in mind that the more cordial you can be with your spouse, the better it will be for everyone in the long run. If possible, sit down with your spouse and discuss options. Make a list of your wants and needs and have your spouse do the same. Then, do your best to combine those lists into one acceptable agreement. You will both have to make concessions, but it’s much easier to divide the marital assets if you go in knowing that neither of you will get everything you want.

The Healing Process
Once your divorce is final, give yourself time to heal. Dating will not be easy for a while, so it might be best to concentrate on yourself and your children. Take up a new hobby, follow that dream you put aside when you first got married and take a lot of time to get to know yourself as a single person. Once you’ve taken those steps, you will find it a lot easier to move forward with your life.

There is no right or wrong answer regarding the path to take after infidelity. Be realistic and honest with yourself and your spouse. Ultimately, it’s simply a choice of what you can or can’t forgive.

Related posts

• March 24, 2011 -- How to Forgive Your Spouse After Infidelity
• March 24, 2011 -- Possible Causes of Sexual Infidelity in a Relationship
• October 14, 2008 -- Online Cheating and You
• August 23, 2008 -- Summer Romance Anyone?
• November 24, 2007 -- How To Deal With A Cheating Partner
• September 1, 2006 -- Signs of an Affair Can Be Tricky
• September 7, 2011 -- Is Cheating Learned Behavior?

If one considers the fact that many behaviors are learned, then in all likelihood, you will also come to the conclusion that cheating is learned behavior. Like most family behaviors, if a person spends enough time watching it, the behavior becomes ingrained into the individual’s behavior patterns.

From the mundane to the important tasks and actions that humans take in life, most behavior is a form of learned activity. From the way that humans place the roll of toilet paper in to the dispenser to the way that they set the kitchen table to the manner of communication that they use, human behavior is primarily learned behavior.

Parents teach their children how to complete simple tasks such as tying their shoes, getting dressed in the morning, and how to read and write. While they are at it, parents unconsciously teach their children how to speak to other human beings and how to show or not show love. If a parent is cheating on a spouse, quite often the children are aware of it.

Even if an individual grows up with a parent or parents who cheat on each other, this same individual has a choice to make. He can choose to cheat on his significant other or he can choose not to follow in the footsteps that taught him so much as he was growing up.

Related posts

• November 30, 2011 -- After the Affair – How to Move On
• March 24, 2011 -- How to Forgive Your Spouse After Infidelity
• March 24, 2011 -- Possible Causes of Sexual Infidelity in a Relationship
• August 14, 2009 -- Dating Sites For Married People
• October 14, 2008 -- Online Cheating and You
• August 23, 2008 -- Summer Romance Anyone?
• November 24, 2007 -- How To Deal With A Cheating Partner

Keep the Past in the Past

In the initial stages after you discover your spouse’s betrayal, it is only natural to talk about the actions of your partner and to want to relive the events that led up to their unfaithfulness. But if you have resolved in your heart to forgive him or her, past events of cheating need to stay firmly in the past.

It does not demonstrate true forgiveness if you dredge up the past each time your spouse disappoints you or falls short of your expectations. Doing so only informs them that you have not really forgiven them and that you continue to harbor resentment and animosity towards them.

Show a Genuine Desire to Make Your Marriage Work

Forgiving your spouse does not simply mean allowing them back into your life and into your bed again and then carrying on as if nothing has happened. Demonstrating true forgiveness of infidelity goes much further than that.

If you have truly forgiven your spouse for cheating on you, it is important to have a genuine desire to make your marriage work, not “just for the sake of the children” or to save face in the family, but because you personally wish to stay together with your spouse. Recovering from unfaithfulness will test your relationship to the very limits, but it can also draw you closer together as a couple and help you to reassess what is most important in life.

Marital unfaithfulness can tear a couple apart, but if each spouse is determined to make a go of their marriage, they can also draw closer together as a couple. In order to demonstrate true forgiveness of your spouse, you must keep the past in the past and show a genuine desire to make your marriage work.

By Sophie S.

Related posts

• November 24, 2007 -- How To Deal With A Cheating Partner
• November 30, 2011 -- After the Affair – How to Move On
• March 24, 2011 -- Possible Causes of Sexual Infidelity in a Relationship
• October 14, 2008 -- Online Cheating and You
• August 23, 2008 -- Summer Romance Anyone?
• September 1, 2006 -- Signs of an Affair Can Be Tricky
• September 7, 2011 -- Is Cheating Learned Behavior?

Feeling Neglected

A common reason for people cheating in a relationship is that they feel they’re not receiving the level of attention they deserve from their partner. It’s a common problem, because after years together it’s easy for two people to take each other for granted. And then one day one of them begins to feel that there may be someone out there who would love, respect, and care for them better. Instead of talking about the situation with their partner and trying to resolve the conflict, some people feel the better option is to find someone else. Oftentimes, added to this sense of longing is a somewhat romanticized version of love.

A woman whose husband doesn’t behave in the way she wants him to will often fantasize about a man who is ideal in every sense. Unfortunately, it’s rare that she finds this man, and what often happens is that she discovers the man she left her spouse for turns out to be rather similar to her ex-partner, and some years down the line she’s in exactly the same position she was before she embarked on her affair.

Similarly, a man whose wife is no longer as receptive to his sexual advances as she once was may well look for comfort in the arms of another woman. This is the classic case of “my wife doesn’t understand me” syndrome. Again, in this situation a man may merely be trading his existing model for a newer one, and the novelty factor will, over time, fade. So, too, will his feelings of euphoria, which is often what a new relationship can bring with it (and another reason why some people have affairs). With a new lover, an individual’s flaws and inadequacies disappear, and they’re reminded only of how wonderful they are – until some months later when the relationship settles into the stage where both parties adopt a more realistic and less emotional approach to being together.

Lack of Communication

Communication is an integral part of any successful relationship. Once communication stops, there’s very little that can be done to resolve any existing problems or deal with any issues that may arise. Whatever difficulties a couple has to deal with, provided both parties are still speaking to each other, then there’s a good chance that they can overcome them and move on. Furthermore, addressing and resolving problems can make a union stronger. However, for some couples, talking about problems in their relationship is difficult, because it means that they may have to address their own behaviors, and some people can find it difficult to acknowledge their character flaws, or to accept that their partner sees them as anything other than perfect.

But when communication breaks down, many people leave a relationship, as they can’t see a way forward. And even if they don’t walk out on a partner, they’re very likely to have an affair. What starts off as a platonic relationship with a colleague who actually listens and communicates with them, can often lead to a fully-blown intimate affair, a situation from which there’s sometimes no return.

Lack of Trust

Trust is the bedrock of any solid relationship. It’s almost impossible for any partnership to survive if one or both parties are unable to trust the other. Lack of trust can lead to negative and destructive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. If one half of a couple is convinced that their partner is unfaithful, then he or she could very well adopt the attitude that what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, and take up with a number of lovers, which would very probably result in the break-down of the relationship. Even if there’s no infidelity in a relationship, if a partner’s lack of trust becomes extreme it can sometimes push the other to have an affair. The relationship can reach the stage where an accused partner feels that his or her only course of action is to leave – or to run to someone else, someone who isn’t mistrusting and constantly suspicious.

Resentment or Revenge

Harboring resentment toward a partner is a far from healthy attitude to have when in a relationship. Feelings of resentment can lead to thoughts of revenge which may result in infidelity. Perhaps a woman has discovered that her partner has had a one-night stand and instead of trying to deal with the situation to the benefit of their relationship, she decides that she, too, will have a night of fun. For some couples evening up the score may well be the end of the matter, helping them to move forward; for others, unfortunately, the repercussions from any act of revenge could very well irrevocably damage their relationship.

Whenever conflict arises in a relationship, how a couple deals with it is usually an indication of what each wants from the relationship, and how committed they are to making their union work. Sexual infidelity can destroy a relationship, but it doesn’t always have to be that way. Provided a couple is able to identify why the infidelity happened and can agree on a course of action to ensure that it doesn’t happen again, then they stand a good chance of repairing the damage and strengthening their relationship. However, it’s vital that both parties want the same thing: to resolve the issue and to move on as a couple, stronger and more committed to making their relationship work.

Related posts

• November 30, 2011 -- After the Affair – How to Move On
• March 24, 2011 -- How to Forgive Your Spouse After Infidelity
• October 14, 2008 -- Online Cheating and You
• August 23, 2008 -- Summer Romance Anyone?
• November 24, 2007 -- How To Deal With A Cheating Partner
• September 1, 2006 -- Signs of an Affair Can Be Tricky
• September 7, 2011 -- Is Cheating Learned Behavior?

According to a report by Fox News, a study by a behavioral ecologist at the University of Manitoba, Canada, looked at the public online profiles of 200 men and 200 women who are registered on the site, making note of the preferences of the people and the type of relationship they were looking for. They also noted the ages and the ages they sought in a partner.

So, what did this study conclude? Well, basically they discovered what we’ve suspected all along. Men are more likely to be looking for no strings attached fun, while women are more interested in long term relationships. Women spent more time describing what they wanted in a partner, while men spent more time describing, particularly in terms of money, what they could provide to a partner.

The full results of the study were published in the October 17 volume of the journal Evolutionary Psychology. But it appears that we’re not as evolved as we might have thought.

Related posts

• March 7, 2010 -- What You Didn’t See On The Oscars
• November 30, 2011 -- After the Affair – How to Move On
• March 24, 2011 -- How to Forgive Your Spouse After Infidelity
• March 24, 2011 -- Possible Causes of Sexual Infidelity in a Relationship
• November 11, 2009 -- Big Bucks From Cheaters
• August 14, 2009 -- Dating Sites For Married People
• October 14, 2008 -- Online Cheating and You

Regardless of where you come down on the moral side of this issue, there’s no denying the power of the internet to make it fast and easy for married people to find willing partners outside of their marriage relationship. The most famous of these sites is probably AshleyMadison.com, a website that has become huge since its launch in 2001.

These kinds of sites cater to the “special needs” of married people, offering services such as anonymous messaging, identity protection, discreet credit card billing, and the like. They also talk very frankly about the risks associated with using their website to connect with a potential lover, not the least of which is the damage such activity can do to an existing relationship and the unintended consequences it can create. Most include suggestions about seeking relationship counseling before considering using their services, but I think that’s mostly to cover themselves from a liability standpoint.

Right or wrong, websites like AshleyMadison.com do exist and continue to thrive. While individuals have to make the personal choice about whether or not to use them, the online dating industry as a whole needs to be very cautious about “accepting” these sites as legitimate because they have the potential to damage the reputation of online dating overall.

Related posts

• October 14, 2008 -- Online Cheating and You
• November 30, 2011 -- After the Affair – How to Move On
• September 7, 2011 -- Is Cheating Learned Behavior?
• March 24, 2011 -- How to Forgive Your Spouse After Infidelity
• March 24, 2011 -- Possible Causes of Sexual Infidelity in a Relationship
• November 7, 2010 -- Ashley Madison – A Research Project?
• March 7, 2010 -- What You Didn’t See On The Oscars

There are two sides to this debate – one that supports infidelity online and one that says to avoid cheaters altogether.

To make things easier for you, here are the advantages to cheating online:

• You can be discreet
• You can meet other married people
• You can create online relationships
• You can have multiple relationships
• There are sites devoted entirely to married people who want to date

Here are the disadvantages to cheating online:

• There’s a permanent electronic record of your infidelity
• You might run into your spouse
• You can get ‘outed’ as a married person
• You can get caught much more easily
• You have to pay money

Is there an answer to whether or not you should cheat on your spouse? Only you can decide, but when it comes to creating a new relationship, it always seems to be better to get rid of the old before you bring in the new – online or not.

Maybe if you’re tempted to cheat online, you might want to talk to your spouse about what you feel. This can help you both figure out what you need to do to fix your relationship or to break it off.

They say cheaters are never winners, after all.

Related posts

• August 23, 2008 -- Summer Romance Anyone?
• November 30, 2011 -- After the Affair – How to Move On
• March 24, 2011 -- How to Forgive Your Spouse After Infidelity
• March 24, 2011 -- Possible Causes of Sexual Infidelity in a Relationship
• August 14, 2009 -- Dating Sites For Married People
• November 24, 2007 -- How To Deal With A Cheating Partner
• September 1, 2006 -- Signs of an Affair Can Be Tricky

Your partner may start cheating for a variety of reasons; maybe they’ve become bored with the relationship, maybe they are finding they are connecting with someone else better, or maybe it is just pure lust that attracts them to this person.

Whatever the case, one thing that you can be sure of is that it’s likely going to hurt. When you find out that you’re partner has cheated, your trust in them will be broken and as such, you may start questioning whether you can continue the relationship.

If you know how to deal with cheating, you can handle it better.

The Confrontation

First you must decide how you are going to go about confronting your partner for cheating. Most people do not readily admit to their partner they have cheated so it might be up to you to bring it up.

Unless you have solid evidence that it is indeed taking place, it’s best not to try and place blame, but rather pose questions and see how they answer. Sometimes, they’ll realize you’re onto something and come clean with you right then and there.

Other times, you’ll have to press a little more for information.

Be sure to use plenty of ‘I feel’ and ‘I think’ type of phrases since this comes across as less directive in nature.

If you do have solid evidence and are fully decided that you are not going to continue on with the relationship, then you can come right out and say what you’ve found and inform them that you know. They may try and deny it, in which case it only proves to you that not only do they cheat, but they lie as well. This is likely not someone you want to be with anyway, so be happy you found these two character traits out now.

The Aftermath

After the confrontation has taken place, it’ll be time for you both to decide where to go from there. If your partner expresses interest in continuing with the relationship and it was a one time cheating occurrence (they state they are not going to see this person again), then it’ll be up to you to decide whether you feel you can overcome this.

Some individuals are a firm believer in the saying, ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater’. You may have your own views on this, but do consider, for select people, after they have cheated, they realize just how terrible it felt and that will scare them from every doing it again. You know your partner and whether this may apply to them.

If you do decide to continue with the relationship, expect your partner to give you full information about their ware-abouts for the next few months – or however long it takes for them to earn back your trust. You are justifiable in this position to being uncertain of them and if they want to get back together with you, they should be fully willing to do this. It was, after all, their mistake.

If you decide it will just be too hard for them to regain your trust, or they decided that they are not going to stop seeing whomever they are cheating with, then it it’s a really good idea for you to look into some counselling sessions.

A cheating partner can really affect your own self-esteem and beliefs about relationships. If you want to have a trusting relationship down the road, it’s important for you to resolve your feelings related to this person’s actions and come to the understanding that not everyone will betray your trust.

The last thing you want to happen is for this one time occurrence to start affecting your relationships down the road, so be sure to take some time for yourself and look after your needs.

While it was their actions that caused the break-up, unfortunately you are going to be the one who has to deal more with it during the aftermath.

Cheating is a very destructive thing in relationships and many, many individuals get hurt by it each day. You really must have a good hard look at your partners actions, whether they seem regretful, and what kind of things they are willing to do to maintain the relationship if you choose to go on (going to counselling, frequent checking in with you, giving you their schedule, etc).

Trust is something that when broken, is not easy to earn back. You, and you alone are going to be the one to determine whether you can give this back to your partner or not.

About The Guest Blogger: Vicky Zhou is a part-time writer, blogger, volunteer, and enjoys talking and writing about dating, relationships and love.

Related posts

• March 24, 2011 -- How to Forgive Your Spouse After Infidelity
• November 30, 2011 -- After the Affair – How to Move On
• March 24, 2011 -- Possible Causes of Sexual Infidelity in a Relationship
• October 14, 2008 -- Online Cheating and You
• August 23, 2008 -- Summer Romance Anyone?
• September 1, 2006 -- Signs of an Affair Can Be Tricky
• September 7, 2011 -- Is Cheating Learned Behavior?

It’s an ego boost when you get a response and it feels good to have someone talk to you and to tell you all the things you want to hear. But when you’re already married, not only are you leading the other person on, but you’re also hurting the relationship you’re in right now.

Here are some signs that you need to start talking to your spouse more than you need to be on online dating websites:

• You spend hours on online dating sites
• You don’t tell your partner about your internet activity
• You hide your online history or delete it entirely
• You talk more to your online dates than you do to your spouse
• You don’t mention that you’re married

While there are bad marriages out there and there are times when you might want to talk to someone else about things you need in your life, the truth is that going behind your spouse’s back isn’t necessarily the way to solve your problems.

Maybe it’s time to get offline and start talking to your spouse instead.

Related posts

• January 12, 2008 -- When Should Your Ex Become Your Ex-Ex?
• November 11, 2006 -- Dating After Divorce
• November 30, 2011 -- How to leave a failing marriage
• June 23, 2011 -- The Internet Can Help Us to Find True Compatibility
• May 5, 2011 -- Did the Royal Wedding Spark Proposals?
• March 30, 2011 -- How successful is online dating?
• March 24, 2011 -- How to Forgive Your Spouse After Infidelity

I just finished reading 46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair and it got me thinking. Just how many people are sneaking off with someone else?

The internet leads to all kinds of numbers on cheating. Some surveys found over 50% of the people polled to be unfaithful (both men and women!). Think that’s worrying? Consider this: studies done worldwide show that about 2 of every 10 of us were born as the result of an affair!

You can even find websites dedicated to catching cheating partners. If you’re thinking of dating somebody, maybe you want to check if they are a serial cheater! One of these sites is Woman Savers, which is a forum for women to “dish the dirt” on cheating men and inform whole world about them (photos included).

If all of this is so, and we generally have a number of partners throughout our lives, doesn’t this mean that at some point we have a cheater on our hands? And if we have one, do we know it? Or do we turn a blind eye?

Reflecting on the people in my own life, I realize that a great many of them or their partners have cheated in one relationship or another. Some are serial cheaters, but many have only done it once. No one is really immune!

Knowing what to look for – beyond just the classic lipstick on the collar sign – will help you be more aware. So have a look through these 46 clues.

A word of caution with stuff like this…

You might panic thinking, ‘Number 3 sounds familiar. So do 6 & 10. And 14, 19, 25, & 40 too!’

But before you march off to declare your loved one an adulterer, wait a minute.
Relax!

Ask yourself… could there be another explanation? Sometimes there is. It’s tricky, but remember that doing something rash could end-up hurting your relationship for no reason. People generally don’t take well to being accused of cheating, especially when they’re not.

This doesn’t mean you should let your guard down.
Just pay attention.

A particularly good piece of advice from the list is to observe how your partners’ friends and coworkers behave towards you. You can even extend this to relatives too. There’s a good chance that if your partner has stopped confiding in you, then s/he is talking to someone else. And while your beloved may be good at lying to you, others may have trouble doing so. But again, this can be tricky…and you must use a great deal of tact. Otherwise you risk damaging your rapport with these people if they sense you don’t trust your partner and are just hunting-down info.

If you haven’t yet reached the point of suspicion, then take action!
You can do something to limit the chances your partner might wander.

Whether you’ve been together for ten weeks or ten years…don’t forget that relationships always need some revamping to stay fresh. No matter how tired or busy you feel, putting extra effort into your relationship now (before an affair starts) will save you heartache down the road.

Don’t let things fizzle out.
Put some time into revitalizing your bond today.

Wishing you luck in love…
Veronika Cardes

Related posts

• November 30, 2011 -- After the Affair – How to Move On
• March 24, 2011 -- How to Forgive Your Spouse After Infidelity
• March 24, 2011 -- Possible Causes of Sexual Infidelity in a Relationship
• October 14, 2008 -- Online Cheating and You
• August 23, 2008 -- Summer Romance Anyone?
• November 24, 2007 -- How To Deal With A Cheating Partner
• September 7, 2011 -- Is Cheating Learned Behavior?