A healthy romantic relationship is supposed to produce feelings of happiness and security but being involved with a controller can fill a person with anxiety and tension. Controllers are people with a personality disorder and they can make life hell for their romantic partners, family and anyone else close to them. Controllers may suffer from one or a combination of personality disorders.

This type of person feels they must control everyone and every situation in order to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy. Relationships with controllers become stagnant because they cannot grow when one person seeks to dominate the other. There are several red flags that will indicate a relationship with a controller. Most controllers will not display these warning signs at first for fear that the relationship will end immediately but as soon as they feel they’ve reeled in their catch, the warning signs will begin to appear. Look for the warning signals.

Shallow Emotions
Controllers have very shallow emotions. They can attach and detach with amazing speed. They show very little remorse following a breakup, divorce or even the death of a spouse and can become involved in another relationship very quickly. They may find another romantic interest in as little as a couple of weeks or even days. They often display shallow emotions toward their loved ones, such as parents and even children.

Once a controller sets her sights on a love interest, she moves in quickly. She may outwardly declare her love and start talking about marriage in as little as 2 to 4 weeks of dating. Soon, she may announce that she is pregnant. Male controllers act in much the same way, usually proposing marriage soon after the start of the relationship.

Self-Centered
Controllers are very self-centered individuals that have a “me” mentality. A controller wants all of the attention to be focused on her. She has to be the center of her partner’s universe and she perceives anyone as a threat that may divert the partner’s attention away from her. The controller resents the time her partner spends with his children, family or friends and will try to control that aspect of his life.

Controllers have little regard for the concerns of others, focusing almost exclusively on their own needs. They often appear to act as though they are deeply concerned about others, displaying actions such as calling friends to ask how they are feeling, but in reality their behavior is only a mask to hide their own self-centered concerns.

Entitlement
Controllers have an enormous sense of entitlement. They believe that they have a right to be the center of attention. They feel they deserve respect, power or acknowledgement. They feel that they have the right to do whatever they want to do and that others should meet their demands. If their desires or demands aren’t met, they often react by creating a scene or punishing their partner with the “silent treatment.” Their behavior can be compared to a child that has a temper tantrum because he doesn’t get his way.

Isolation
A controller may fear that her partner’s friends and family will detect their controlling behavior and reveal her true intentions to her partner. In order to prevent this, she will attempt to isolate him from his friends and family. Controllers are natural manipulators and they will use manipulation tactics in order to exert control. The two most common manipulation tactics that controllers use are to make grandiose promises or threats.

They have a strong need to be in control and if they feel they are losing control they become threatened. They will try to get their partner to become angry at friends or family in order to create a rift and keep the partner isolated. The controller may tell the partner that friends or family are jealous of him or using him. A controller may go as far as telling her partner that his friend made a pass at her to get the friend out of the partner’s life. Controllers will also get angry if the partner’s friends or family come to visit.

A controller will try to prevent her partner from participating in outside activities. She will attempt to persuade her partner to abandon all hobbies and interests that she can’t have total control over. If her partner does participate in any activity, she will insist on accompanying him. A controller will even insist on taking the children along, knowing that her partner will have to focus his attention on her and the family, thereby preventing him from completely enjoying the activity. If the controller cannot prevent her partner’s participation in outdoor interests, she makes sure that she is present, so that she still has some degree of control.

Interrogation
People who are controllers would make excellent interrogators because they question their partners as if they had committed a crime. A controller will question her partner incessantly. She will want to know his whereabouts, who he talked to, what he did and all the details. A controller will call her partner several times a day, even when he is at work. If he doesn’t answer his phone right away, she will interrogate him.

Controllers often like money because they are self-centered but they also resent the amount of time their partners spend at work. Controllers have paranoid tendencies and will look through phones, wallets and other personal items for evidence of cheating. A controller may even go as far as following her partner around, spying on or stalking him.

Physical Abuse
Although most controllers exert control by using emotional abuse, some also use physical abuse. Both male and female controllers may hit, kick, slap, punch or otherwise physically abuse their partners. A controller may also display violent behavior by breaking items or destroying property to intimidate the partner.

Blame
Controllers love to play the blame game. They always blame the partners for everything that goes wrong in the relationship or more accurately, when they don’t get their way. When the controller doesn’t get her way, she becomes verbally abusive and tries to destroy what is left of her partner’s self-esteem. Then suddenly her personality will become sweet and docile. She will say she’s sorry, although she doesn’t really mean it and start making promises she doesn’t intent to keep. The next time she doesn’t get her way, the cycle of blame will begin again.

Know-it-All
Controllers are often know-it-all personality types. A controller will correct her partner all the time, in effect like she is disciplining a child. She sees herself as superior to her partner and others. She may insult his speech, dress or other behavior. Controllers act self-confident even though they have very low levels of self-esteem and often berate their partners in front of other people. They also tend to be arrogant and quick to make sarcastic remarks. The partner often feels as though he is walking on eggshells for fear of interrogation or never being able to do enough for his controlling partner.

Listen to Family and Friends
People are often blinded by their relationships and don’t always see the truth. People close to the partner of a controller are often able to see through the manipulative behavior. If the majority of the partner’s family and friends do not like the controller, it may be wise to listen. While it is always true that there will be people that don’t like others, in the case of a controller type relationship, family and friends are usually right. It is definitely wise to listen to what other people say regarding the controller and take it into consideration.

Fear of a Break-Up
If the partner has finally had enough and decides to get out of the relationship, the controller will panic and try a multitude of tactics to keep the partner from leaving. They will go to extreme lengths to stay in control of the relationship. A controller may beg, plead, cry or threaten the partner to make him stay. She will promise to change and may even threaten to commit suicide if he leaves.

If the partner does manage to escape from the controller, he should keep his distance and not return to the relationship. Once a person has left a controller, if he returns, the controller will make it even more difficult for him to leave again. Once a person has left a controller partner, she will call repeatedly and may even call the ex-partner’s friends and family members, begging them to tell the ex-partner to come back to her. She may send the ex-partner gifts or even show up at his workplace and cause a scene, begging him to come back.

Escaping the grasp of a controller personality type can be extremely difficult and stressful. In some cases, it may even be necessary to get a restraining order against the person. People with a controlling personality need professional assistance and should seek the help of a qualified therapist.

Resources and further reading:
Stanford.edu
MentalHealthMatters.com
Way2Hope.org

Relationships Abuse, Controller, Mental Abuse, Selfishness

You don’t want to be the poor sucker who whines to his buds about all the time and money he wasted on whatshername (you know, that cutie who ran hot and cold until she finally burned him for good!) The truth is, you don’t want a woman who has to play hard to get – you want the one who is hard to get. (Well, not hard for you to get, but impossible for those other guys!) You’re looking for the one who offers what all men want – a vixen in the bedroom, and who is fun and worthwhile elsewhere. Pay attention to the differences between these critical signals when you’re getting to know the fortunate femme who caught your eye.

CATCHABLE: A woman who has her own interests is good.
SKIPPER: A woman who relies on you to make her feel good about herself.

When she says she can’t see you this weekend, but offers an alternative day, she’s showing you that she is interested in you. She’s also showing you that she can keep her word to people, even if that means keeping her promise to herself to get her homework done. A busy woman might be legitimately hard to get, but worth the extra effort.

On the other hand, a woman who declines your invitation and is unwilling to commit to an alternate plan is either not that interested or she’s playing mind games. Either way, you lose. Set your scope on someone who deserves your attention.

CATCHABLE: A woman who refuses to date you while working things out with him.
SKIPPER: A woman who agrees to date you while she’s still seeing another guy.

Any woman who keeps her eye out for the next best thing that comes along isn’t worth a second glance. Does this need any further explanation? Don’t fall for her sad story. Even though you dream of being the prince that saves her from that mean ol’ dragon, once she’s in your arms, you’ll become the next fire-breathing menace in her life. She’s not mature enough to handle relationships on her own, and that includes the one you get into with her.

If she lets you know she is interested but wants to take care of unfinished business with a soon-to-be ex, ask her how long it will require. If her answer is “I don’t know,” or she expects it to take more than two weeks, step aside and date women who are available to be with you, because this one’s not ready to give up her baggage. She needs to end that relationship and take time to heal from it before jumping into a new one. A sound rule of thumb is to wait until she’s been single a week for each month they were together. If she was with him more than two or three years, give it at least six months.

CATCHABLE: A woman who says she’s interested, and shows it.
SKIPPER: A woman who claims she’s interested, but doesn’t always act like it.

If she flirts with other guys when you’re not around (or even when you are) after you’ve let her know it bothers you, either she’s not that interested or you are too sensitive. If she’s into you, she’ll stop if she really has been crossing a line. If she claims you’re being too possessive, she might be right, but she’s not right for you. Set her free to find someone who gets turned on by such behavior and find someone who shows that she can appreciate your values.

Flirting isn’t the only way a woman can act disinterested. Some women are coached to believe that if they are unavailable to you, it will pique your interest. It’s true that too much togetherness can breed boredom, so don’t panic if your sweetheart decides to go out with other friends instead of seeing you this weekend. Conversely, if you discover that she’s unavailable too often, ignoring your calls and texts, spending time with an ex, or doing things that violate your principles, be open about your expectations. Recognize if her reaction is anything short of respectful disagreement. She doesn’t have to have your values, but she does have to care about them, doesn’t she?

If she is inconsiderate in any way, carefully consider her response. An interested woman will take your concerns seriously. A manipulative one will become defensive. If her response is to find something to blame you for, or to deny your perceptions, it’s a subtle indicator that she doesn’t see you as her equal. Instead, she thinks her own values and interests are more important than yours. It might not seem like a big deal right now, but after months or years of this attitude coming at you, it will blossom into a major power struggle over minor issues – one that is unlikely to ever get resolved.

A woman who is attracted and interested won’t give you mixed signals. If you’re confused by your current girlfriend’s behavior, these three principles will help you get things back on track or let you get off that train. You won’t be that sad sucker who elicits pity from his friends. Instead, you’ll have the confidence that comes with knowing that you won’t get taken for a ride.

By Kathy Batesel

Relationships Flirting, Hard to Get, Mind Games, Self Confidence, Women

Maybe you’re tired of those dating experiences where there seem to be sparks flying between you and the other person and yet somehow things never gel. Maybe you keep getting involved with people who turn out to be a lot different from your initial impressions of them. Or maybe the whole dating game just feels like so much shooting in the dark. If dating is a game, it’s played on a wide playing field. You’ll stand a better chance of finding what you want out there if you first get clear about what your real desires and needs actually are.

Because there’s no such thing as a match that’s perfect in every way, a good first step is to consider what would be essential to you in a partnership, and what would merely be desirable or preferable. Your own lifestyle can provide you with a lot of clues as to what aspects of life are indispensable and what aspects you’d be willing to compromise on. Is your basic speed of life casual or fast? Are you more often social or private? Do you place a lot of value on possessions, or are you content to just earn enough money to live on? If your attitude towards money is casual, then you can probably spare yourself a lot if disappointment down the road if you avoid dating highly motivated career people.

It’s true that differences between partners can energize a relationship and create chemistry. It would be a mistake to look for a partner who’s “just like you”. But any relationship – and particularly a committed one – is going to occupy a lot of the time that is available in your life. You’ll want to devote that time, or at least a good portion of it, to doing things that you enjoy. Take a look at your hobbies and interests, and think about the kinds of things you like to do when you’re alone. If you value fitness and being outdoors, then it may be a stretch for you to see yourself with a homebody who loves to read and do crosswords.

It’d be worth your while to investigate your personal values in other, less obvious areas. Think of the conversations that you typically have with friends. Do you like to get deep and philosophical, or do you prefer to keep things light? Do you tend to be talkative, or do you enjoy having some space for introspection? If you’re the quiet type, you might enjoy having a partner who’s a little more verbose. On the other hand, if you can’t get any quiet then this might not be the person for you.

It can also be fruitful to explore your personal beliefs about relationships in general. Does your vision of a partnership involve sharing every moment together, doing a lot of things independently, or something in between? Is physical appearance more or less important than intelligence, or simple kindness? The answers that you uncover to these sorts of questions can point you towards the flavor of relationship that you prefer. That, in turn, will help you to recognize it when it comes.

Relationships Partner, Personal Values, Relationships