A healthy romantic relationship is supposed to produce feelings of happiness and security but being involved with a controller can fill a person with anxiety and tension. Controllers are people with a personality disorder and they can make life hell for their romantic partners, family and anyone else close to them. Controllers may suffer from one or a combination of personality disorders.

This type of person feels they must control everyone and every situation in order to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy. Relationships with controllers become stagnant because they cannot grow when one person seeks to dominate the other. There are several red flags that will indicate a relationship with a controller. Most controllers will not display these warning signs at first for fear that the relationship will end immediately but as soon as they feel they’ve reeled in their catch, the warning signs will begin to appear. Look for the warning signals.

Shallow Emotions
Controllers have very shallow emotions. They can attach and detach with amazing speed. They show very little remorse following a breakup, divorce or even the death of a spouse and can become involved in another relationship very quickly. They may find another romantic interest in as little as a couple of weeks or even days. They often display shallow emotions toward their loved ones, such as parents and even children.

Once a controller sets her sights on a love interest, she moves in quickly. She may outwardly declare her love and start talking about marriage in as little as 2 to 4 weeks of dating. Soon, she may announce that she is pregnant. Male controllers act in much the same way, usually proposing marriage soon after the start of the relationship.

Self-Centered
Controllers are very self-centered individuals that have a “me” mentality. A controller wants all of the attention to be focused on her. She has to be the center of her partner’s universe and she perceives anyone as a threat that may divert the partner’s attention away from her. The controller resents the time her partner spends with his children, family or friends and will try to control that aspect of his life.

Controllers have little regard for the concerns of others, focusing almost exclusively on their own needs. They often appear to act as though they are deeply concerned about others, displaying actions such as calling friends to ask how they are feeling, but in reality their behavior is only a mask to hide their own self-centered concerns.

Entitlement
Controllers have an enormous sense of entitlement. They believe that they have a right to be the center of attention. They feel they deserve respect, power or acknowledgement. They feel that they have the right to do whatever they want to do and that others should meet their demands. If their desires or demands aren’t met, they often react by creating a scene or punishing their partner with the “silent treatment.” Their behavior can be compared to a child that has a temper tantrum because he doesn’t get his way.

Isolation
A controller may fear that her partner’s friends and family will detect their controlling behavior and reveal her true intentions to her partner. In order to prevent this, she will attempt to isolate him from his friends and family. Controllers are natural manipulators and they will use manipulation tactics in order to exert control. The two most common manipulation tactics that controllers use are to make grandiose promises or threats.

They have a strong need to be in control and if they feel they are losing control they become threatened. They will try to get their partner to become angry at friends or family in order to create a rift and keep the partner isolated. The controller may tell the partner that friends or family are jealous of him or using him. A controller may go as far as telling her partner that his friend made a pass at her to get the friend out of the partner’s life. Controllers will also get angry if the partner’s friends or family come to visit.

A controller will try to prevent her partner from participating in outside activities. She will attempt to persuade her partner to abandon all hobbies and interests that she can’t have total control over. If her partner does participate in any activity, she will insist on accompanying him. A controller will even insist on taking the children along, knowing that her partner will have to focus his attention on her and the family, thereby preventing him from completely enjoying the activity. If the controller cannot prevent her partner’s participation in outdoor interests, she makes sure that she is present, so that she still has some degree of control.

Interrogation
People who are controllers would make excellent interrogators because they question their partners as if they had committed a crime. A controller will question her partner incessantly. She will want to know his whereabouts, who he talked to, what he did and all the details. A controller will call her partner several times a day, even when he is at work. If he doesn’t answer his phone right away, she will interrogate him.

Controllers often like money because they are self-centered but they also resent the amount of time their partners spend at work. Controllers have paranoid tendencies and will look through phones, wallets and other personal items for evidence of cheating. A controller may even go as far as following her partner around, spying on or stalking him.

Physical Abuse
Although most controllers exert control by using emotional abuse, some also use physical abuse. Both male and female controllers may hit, kick, slap, punch or otherwise physically abuse their partners. A controller may also display violent behavior by breaking items or destroying property to intimidate the partner.

Blame
Controllers love to play the blame game. They always blame the partners for everything that goes wrong in the relationship or more accurately, when they don’t get their way. When the controller doesn’t get her way, she becomes verbally abusive and tries to destroy what is left of her partner’s self-esteem. Then suddenly her personality will become sweet and docile. She will say she’s sorry, although she doesn’t really mean it and start making promises she doesn’t intent to keep. The next time she doesn’t get her way, the cycle of blame will begin again.

Know-it-All
Controllers are often know-it-all personality types. A controller will correct her partner all the time, in effect like she is disciplining a child. She sees herself as superior to her partner and others. She may insult his speech, dress or other behavior. Controllers act self-confident even though they have very low levels of self-esteem and often berate their partners in front of other people. They also tend to be arrogant and quick to make sarcastic remarks. The partner often feels as though he is walking on eggshells for fear of interrogation or never being able to do enough for his controlling partner.

Listen to Family and Friends
People are often blinded by their relationships and don’t always see the truth. People close to the partner of a controller are often able to see through the manipulative behavior. If the majority of the partner’s family and friends do not like the controller, it may be wise to listen. While it is always true that there will be people that don’t like others, in the case of a controller type relationship, family and friends are usually right. It is definitely wise to listen to what other people say regarding the controller and take it into consideration.

Fear of a Break-Up
If the partner has finally had enough and decides to get out of the relationship, the controller will panic and try a multitude of tactics to keep the partner from leaving. They will go to extreme lengths to stay in control of the relationship. A controller may beg, plead, cry or threaten the partner to make him stay. She will promise to change and may even threaten to commit suicide if he leaves.

If the partner does manage to escape from the controller, he should keep his distance and not return to the relationship. Once a person has left a controller, if he returns, the controller will make it even more difficult for him to leave again. Once a person has left a controller partner, she will call repeatedly and may even call the ex-partner’s friends and family members, begging them to tell the ex-partner to come back to her. She may send the ex-partner gifts or even show up at his workplace and cause a scene, begging him to come back.

Escaping the grasp of a controller personality type can be extremely difficult and stressful. In some cases, it may even be necessary to get a restraining order against the person. People with a controlling personality need professional assistance and should seek the help of a qualified therapist.

Resources and further reading:
Stanford.edu
MentalHealthMatters.com
Way2Hope.org

Relationships Abuse, Controller, Mental Abuse, Selfishness

Knowing when to leave a marriage can be confusing and one of the most difficult decisions you’ll ever make. However, it can also be the first step to a healthier, happier life. How smooth your process will be will largely depend on how prepared you are, so careful preparation should be your first priority. There is also a difference between abusive and non-abusive marriages and the approach you should take.

Abusive Relationships

Step 1: Plan where you and your children, if you have any, will live. If you are in a relationship where there’s been physical violence, you and your children’s safety should be your most important consideration, and will be a major determining factor in your plan. If you are a woman, find out if there is a battered women’s shelter you can use as a temporary place to stay. Do not tell your spouse when you are going or where you have gone until you know you are safe — but do tell him so he doesn’t assume you have kidnapped the children and then try to take legal action against you. If you stay with friends or family, ask them not to disclose where you are until you have told your spouse.

Step 2: Set aside enough money to set yourself and the kids up in a new place, if possible. The more money you have, the more power you will have. Get a bank account and credit card in your own name that your spouse can’t access. This will require as much advance planning as possible. You will have to consider rent (including moving-in costs), utilities, food, car or travel expenses and clothing at the bare minimum. You will also have to have enough money to retain an attorney as soon as possible.

Step 3: Consult an attorney before you leave, if possible, and follow his recommendations. Be honest about your situation and disclose the abuse. People in abusive relationships are often in denial about the seriousness of the situation and consciously or unconsciously defend their partners. This is the time to shake off any denial and be emotionally honest with yourself. Ask your attorney if he believes a restraining order is appropriate and obtain it.

Step 4: Gather together your most important belongings–medications, documents, clothing, personal items, your children’s things and other personal things you don’t want to leave behind. Remember the title to your car, birth certificates, bank and credit card statements, unpaid bills, diplomas, and professional licenses. You may not be able to go back to your old house, so be thorough.

Step 5: Get a cell phone if you don’t have one. If you have a cell phone, get a separate account and change the number, or get a pre-paid phone. Ensure your spouse doesn’t get the number until things settle down and you and the children are safe.

Step 6: Get a post office box to minimize the chance of your mail getting lost, and your spouse getting your new address. File a forwarding address with the post office.

Step 7: Seek support through a group or individual counseling. Abusive relationships take their toll on self-esteem and can lead to depression and other mental health issues. Counseling or therapy can help you learn to take care of yourself and empower you to learn to have healthy relationships. This is as important for men as it is for women–abusive relationships aren’t exclusive to women.

Non-abusive Relationships

Step 1: Make a plan to move out. If your relationship is not abusive, there will be fewer things to worry about, like getting a restraining order or seeking shelter in a public facility. You will need to budget how much money you will need for a new place to live, including moving costs, monthly living expenses, and attorney’s fees. If you and your spouse agree that a divorce is the best option, your process will be much easier and you may be able to come up with a plan together. If you are not employed, or are only employed part-time, wait until you are more financially self-sufficient so you won’t have to rely entirely on your spouse for support.

Step 2: Inform your spouse that you are leaving. Have a discussion that will do as little emotional damage to everybody as possible. Be frank about your feelings by stating that you don’t feel the marriage can be saved. Take responsibility for your own feelings without laying blame on your spouse. State that you want to be as cooperative as possible through the divorce process. Be firm about your decision and don’t allow yourself to be talked out of it. Have an overnight bag packed with enough things for a few days away in the event the discussion becomes heated, and until you can go back and pack everything you need for a permanent move-out. Leave with as much kindness as possible, and if you think you can stay friends with your spouse, say that.

Step 3: Consult an attorney as soon as you are certain that you want a divorce to determine where you stand legally. If there are children, custody and visitation rights will have to be arranged. If there are substantial assets, they will have to be divided according to state law, or according to any prenuptial agreement. Divorce laws don’t always seem fair (for example, a husband may be required to pay spousal support even when a spouse refused to work during a marriage) so be aware of what kind of battle you will be up against. If leaving the marriage is your idea, your spouse will likely take it as a rejection and may react severely by using the law against you.

Step 4: Make a plan for your children. If you can, discuss with your spouse who the children will live with and how you will tell them. If not, discuss it with the children yourself. Be frank without giving them too many details, and let them know that it’s not their fault. Tell them that mommy and daddy can’t be happy together anymore, that life will be better if they live separately, and don’t lay blame on anyone. Children often take responsibility for the breakup of their parents’ marriage. Reassure them that they are loved and that the divorce will be the best for them in the long run.

Step 5: Get emotional support by joining a divorce support group or going to counseling. Talk to people who’ve been through it so you know what to potentially expect, emotionally, mentally and financially. Also consider getting emotional support for your children, and keep communicating with them throughout the process to determine if there will need to be a therapeutic intervention. Some signs are changes in behavior, such as problems in school, fighting, or becoming withdrawn or angry.

References
Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide
Divorce 360: Beginning Checklist: Planning to File for Divorce

Divorce Abuse, Children, Divorce, Marriage, Violence

Maybe you’ve been burned before…you found out your ex was cheating on you, spending joint money behind your back, or otherwise betraying your trust. Maybe the situation was much worse than that; he or she was emotionally or even physically abusive. You survived, but now you don’t trust your own judgment. Or maybe things have been fine in the past, but your new flame seems a little…off. For the purposes of this article, “he” is used throughout but the fact is that loserhood knows no gender. Any kind of person is capable of this kind of behavior, and being young or in a same-sex relationship doesn’t make you immune either. Here are a few warning signs:

1. Your friends don’t like him. It’s mutual. Most people hesitate to criticize a friend’s new honey, so if your friends say something negative, you should treat this like a flashing red siren of “this guy is trouble.” Likewise if he is antagonistic towards them. Abusers will typically try to isolate the victim from any possible means of support. Alienating all of your friends is part of his master plan. Lose him instead.

2. Alternately, if he’s too charming with your friends. You might be thinking “flirtation” but there’s another possible motive…basically, convincing everyone how great he is so that if there’s a big fight, everyone will blame it on you. This is another isolation move. It is typically employed by men rather than women, but has been done by both genders. It’s wonderful if you all get along…but your new SO should not be better buddies with your buddies than you are.

3. He expects you to drop everything to go do what he wants. All the time. Sometimes things come up. Sometimes people plan surprises. But if it’s a constant pattern, especially if it’s accompanied by emotional storms or coldness when he doesn’t get his way…it’s nothing more than a control tactic. Other control tactics include checking up on you constantly, invading your privacy, and making you feel guilty. Kick him to the curb.

4. Instant commitment. This is not about love, it’s about making sure of you. Anyone would do. Another ploy most often used on women, but you’d be surprised how many men out there are susceptible to this. If you’ve been dating less than six months and he wants to move in together, back away slowly. If you just started dating and he starts talking marriage, run.

5. He’s rude to people in service positions, or from whom he doesn’t want anything. It’s the old “look how he treats the waiter” adage…which is old and tried because it’s true. If he’s sweet as pie to you, but nasty to the valet, he is not a good person. As soon as he feels he has his hooks in you, he won’t be sweet any more.

6. He puts you down. Ever. The earlier in the relationship, the worse it is. But it’s never good. Contempt and love do not go together.

7. He crosses serious lines, then apologizes, then does it again. Abusers will test potential victims to see how much they will tolerate. If this is a recognizable pattern in your relationship…get out of there. It will only get worse…and worse, and worse.

8. Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Do you find yourself making excuses for him? To your friends, or to yourself? Do you feel a sense of relief when he isn’t around? (Does he check up on you?) If so, your instincts are trying to tell you something. Listen to them.

Relationships Abuse, Violence