Infidelity in a marriage can be one of the most heart wrenching and debilitating experiences you could possibly encounter. Finding out your spouse has been cheating on you can knock you square in the gut and bring you straight to your knees. It’s the ultimate betrayal by someone you love. And, unfortunately, infidelity in a marriage is extremely common. Although statistics differ, it’s estimated that around 50% of spouses cheat at least once in their marriage.

Your Initial Reaction
Your initial reaction might be one of disbelief or even, perhaps, resignation. You might be so angry that you‘ll do or say something you‘ll regret. It‘s possible you‘ll be engulfed in sadness which will lead you into a state of depression. It could be none of these or a combination of these. It could be something else entirely. Everyone reacts to and deals with infidelity differently and none of these reactions are wrong.

Once the initial shock, anger and sadness have subsided, you’ll have to make a decision as to whether or not your marriage can survive. Essentially, you have two options. You’ll either decide to stay together or you’ll decide to end your marriage.

Deciding to Stick it Out
If you decide to work it out, there are a number of steps you and your spouse must take in order to get through the situation and salvage your marriage.

The first and most important event that must happen is for your spouse to end all contact with the other man or woman in their life. There can be absolutely no negotiation regarding this issue. In the unfortunate and tricky event that your spouse was cheating with a co-worker , it goes without saying that your spouse will have to find another job immediately. You cannot move ahead in your marriage knowing that your spouse will see his or her ex on a daily basis at work. Even though the job market is tough right now, you’ll never be able to build any sort of trust again if the two of them continue to see one another. Of course, the same principle applies in any other area where your spouse and the ex are bound to have routine contact.

Once all contact ends, both you and your spouse need to attend marriage counseling. It’s important to find a counselor that you both feel comfortable talking with about extremely personal issues. It may take multiple visits to multiple practitioners to find the right match for both of you. One positive aspect of marriage counseling is that a counselor can often open up lines of communication that have been long gone or were never there to begin with. Unfortunately, a lack of communication in your marriage can often lead to feelings of isolation, resulting in infidelity. It’s exceptionally important that you feel comfortable talking to your spouse and they feel comfortable talking to you. A counselor can help greatly in this area and can often recommend tools and techniques for improving those verbal, and nonverbal, lines of communication.

Moving Beyond the Lack of Trust
You’ll also need to be extremely realistic in dealing with one another. You will not get over an affair right away, and if your spouse expects you to, you will continue to have issues. The lack of trust will overwhelm you and cause you to question everything your spouse is doing, everyone your spouse is talking to and every minute your spouse is not with you. No matter how hard you try, this lack of trust is inevitable. Although it won’t be an easy task, your spouse has to rebuild the trust that was lost overnight. It could take years for that to happen, so you both have to be committed to rebuilding the relationship.

Establish “date-night”. Though it might seem cliché, having a set time for you and your spouse to spend time with one another alone, talking, laughing and enjoying one another, it can be one of best gifts you give yourselves as a couple. The responsibilities associated with marriage, parenting and life in general bring with them massive amounts of stress; yet another factor in the evolution of infidelity.

The simple fact is that your relationship will never be the same again, but perhaps that’s not a bad thing. Maybe it was never great to begin with and it can improve through the trials and tribulations you’re currently facing.

When Separation is the Only Option
You might find that you’re simply unable to move ahead with your marriage. In that particular case, you and your partner will need to make extremely difficult decisions regarding how to move forward individually. This can become even more stressful when there are children involved.

No matter what, don’t have discussions or arguments in front of your children. It’s not fair to them and will do nothing but hurt them in the long run. What’s happening in your marriage is between you and your spouse and children don’t need to hear the sordid details. Once you’ve reached a decision regarding divorce, both of you should sit down and talk with your children together. If your kids can see a united front when it comes to them, it will help them heal and move forward. In addition, your kids will see right from the get-go that they won’t be able to manipulate you and use you against each other with the popular mom-said-this, dad-said this game.

You’ll want to find a good divorce attorney, but keep in mind that the more cordial you can be with your spouse, the better it will be for everyone in the long run. If possible, sit down with your spouse and discuss options. Make a list of your wants and needs and have your spouse do the same. Then, do your best to combine those lists into one acceptable agreement. You will both have to make concessions, but it’s much easier to divide the marital assets if you go in knowing that neither of you will get everything you want.

The Healing Process
Once your divorce is final, give yourself time to heal. Dating will not be easy for a while, so it might be best to concentrate on yourself and your children. Take up a new hobby, follow that dream you put aside when you first got married and take a lot of time to get to know yourself as a single person. Once you’ve taken those steps, you will find it a lot easier to move forward with your life.

There is no right or wrong answer regarding the path to take after infidelity. Be realistic and honest with yourself and your spouse. Ultimately, it’s simply a choice of what you can or can’t forgive.

Affairs and Cheating Affairs, Cheating, Divorce, Infidelity, Separating

Does a man cheat on his wife or girlfriend because he watched his father cheat on his mother for years while growing up? On the other hand, does a woman cheat on her husband or significant other simply because she spent countless years watching her mother have one affair after another despite the hurt she inflicted on her husband? Is this type of behavior learned during childhood and adolescence?

If one considers the fact that many behaviors are learned, then in all likelihood, you will also come to the conclusion that cheating is learned behavior. Like most family behaviors, if a person spends enough time watching it, the behavior becomes ingrained into the individual’s behavior patterns.

From the mundane to the important tasks and actions that humans take in life, most behavior is a form of learned activity. From the way that humans place the roll of toilet paper in to the dispenser to the way that they set the kitchen table to the manner of communication that they use, human behavior is primarily learned behavior.

Parents teach their children how to complete simple tasks such as tying their shoes, getting dressed in the morning, and how to read and write. While they are at it, parents unconsciously teach their children how to speak to other human beings and how to show or not show love. If a parent is cheating on a spouse, quite often the children are aware of it.

Even if an individual grows up with a parent or parents who cheat on each other, this same individual has a choice to make. He can choose to cheat on his significant other or he can choose not to follow in the footsteps that taught him so much as he was growing up.

Affairs and Cheating Affairs, Behavior, Cheating

Forgiving a cheating spouse involves taking them back after you have discovered they have been unfaithful. However, it means more than simply saying “I forgive you”, and still keeping hold of pent-up feelings of anger and resentment in your heart. How can you tell if you have truly forgiven them?

Keep the Past in the Past

In the initial stages after you discover your spouse’s betrayal, it is only natural to talk about the actions of your partner and to want to relive the events that led up to their unfaithfulness. But if you have resolved in your heart to forgive him or her, past events of cheating need to stay firmly in the past.

It does not demonstrate true forgiveness if you dredge up the past each time your spouse disappoints you or falls short of your expectations. Doing so only informs them that you have not really forgiven them and that you continue to harbor resentment and animosity towards them.

Show a Genuine Desire to Make Your Marriage Work

Forgiving your spouse does not simply mean allowing them back into your life and into your bed again and then carrying on as if nothing has happened. Demonstrating true forgiveness of infidelity goes much further than that.

If you have truly forgiven your spouse for cheating on you, it is important to have a genuine desire to make your marriage work, not “just for the sake of the children” or to save face in the family, but because you personally wish to stay together with your spouse. Recovering from unfaithfulness will test your relationship to the very limits, but it can also draw you closer together as a couple and help you to reassess what is most important in life.

Marital unfaithfulness can tear a couple apart, but if each spouse is determined to make a go of their marriage, they can also draw closer together as a couple. In order to demonstrate true forgiveness of your spouse, you must keep the past in the past and show a genuine desire to make your marriage work.

By Sophie S.

Affairs and Cheating Affairs, Cheating, Forgiveness, Infidelity, Spouse