Maybe you’re tired of those dating experiences where there seem to be sparks flying between you and the other person and yet somehow things never gel. Maybe you keep getting involved with people who turn out to be a lot different from your initial impressions of them. Or maybe the whole dating game just feels like so much shooting in the dark. If dating is a game, it’s played on a wide playing field. You’ll stand a better chance of finding what you want out there if you first get clear about what your real desires and needs actually are.

Because there’s no such thing as a match that’s perfect in every way, a good first step is to consider what would be essential to you in a partnership, and what would merely be desirable or preferable. Your own lifestyle can provide you with a lot of clues as to what aspects of life are indispensable and what aspects you’d be willing to compromise on. Is your basic speed of life casual or fast? Are you more often social or private? Do you place a lot of value on possessions, or are you content to just earn enough money to live on? If your attitude towards money is casual, then you can probably spare yourself a lot if disappointment down the road if you avoid dating highly motivated career people.

It’s true that differences between partners can energize a relationship and create chemistry. It would be a mistake to look for a partner who’s “just like you”. But any relationship – and particularly a committed one – is going to occupy a lot of the time that is available in your life. You’ll want to devote that time, or at least a good portion of it, to doing things that you enjoy. Take a look at your hobbies and interests, and think about the kinds of things you like to do when you’re alone. If you value fitness and being outdoors, then it may be a stretch for you to see yourself with a homebody who loves to read and do crosswords.

It’d be worth your while to investigate your personal values in other, less obvious areas. Think of the conversations that you typically have with friends. Do you like to get deep and philosophical, or do you prefer to keep things light? Do you tend to be talkative, or do you enjoy having some space for introspection? If you’re the quiet type, you might enjoy having a partner who’s a little more verbose. On the other hand, if you can’t get any quiet then this might not be the person for you.

It can also be fruitful to explore your personal beliefs about relationships in general. Does your vision of a partnership involve sharing every moment together, doing a lot of things independently, or something in between? Is physical appearance more or less important than intelligence, or simple kindness? The answers that you uncover to these sorts of questions can point you towards the flavor of relationship that you prefer. That, in turn, will help you to recognize it when it comes.

Relationships Partner, Personal Values, Relationships

They can’t stand you going out for a night with your friends. You’ve caught them reading your text messages and emails. Your relationship seems to swing back and forth between periods of extreme closeness and emotional distance. You could be seeing signs that you are involved with a possessive partner.

Of course, there are many varying degrees of possessiveness. It could be the nagging feeling of jealousy that is easily ignored, or something far more sinister. Being in a relationship with a possessive person can be hard work. It’s a stressful situation for you both. Possessiveness has been the end of many otherwise good relationships.

What are the Signs?

There are many signs that your relationship with your partner has become possessive. They include:

• You feel there is a breakdown of communication, and you don’t feel comfortable discussing certain topics.
• Your partner criticizes you and does not support your decisions.
• Your partner discourages you from spending time with people outside of the relationship.
• You no longer feel free to express yourself.
• You feel like you are losing touch with your own identity.
• You may feel like you are very close at one time, then suddenly feel distant.
• You have fights which come out of nowhere.
• You feel trapped in the relationship.

The Green-Eyed Monster

Jealousy adds fuel to the fire of a possessive relationship, and unfortunately, the two often go hand in hand. While some jealousy in relationships is created by genuine concern, having a poor sense of self-esteem can also inflame these feelings.

When Jealousy Becomes Emotional Abuse

We all get a little bit jealous sometimes. Practically every person in a relationship has at some stage second guessed their partner’s movements. There is a big leap from suspicious minds to a possessive relationship.

The difference between the two is in the effects of your partner’s actions. Are they causing you undue stress, worry, and anxiety? Are you thinking twice before speaking your mind? Do you have to constantly reorganize your plans, or not take part in activities you might like to? If so then you may be in a possessive relationship.

Signs that your partner is possessive can signal the initial stages of emotional abuse. In these kinds of relationships, one partner will seek to control the other by isolating them from their friends and family. In a way, they also isolate them from their own identity, by belittling their self-esteem and destroying any sense of value they have about themselves. If you feel that your relationship has become abusive, then it’s time to speak to a counselor, or seek out some help.

How Can You Move Past This?

The best way to overcome a possessive partner is to speak about it openly. This may sound like a difficult thing to do. It may help to prepare yourself by making notes of what you would like to bring up. Having a third person present, such as a counselor, can also be of help.

Relationships Abuse, Jealous, Partner, Possessiveness, Self Esteem, Trust

Finding a good relationship is hard; staying in one can sometimes even be harder. And, one of the reasons that it is sometimes so hard is because people have these expectations about how a relationship is supposed to work that make them give up too soon. Are you the victim of one of these five relationship myths?

• 1. Great relationships require that we completely understand each other.
  If you’re looking for a partner who completely understands you, or one that you understand completely, prepare to be disappointed. Men and women are different, and we should celebrate our differences.

• 2. To have a great relationship, we must solve all our problems.
  There are many problems in a relationship that can never be solved. As long as you can agree to disagree about some things, you can still have a great relationship.

• 3. We must be able to sustain our initial romantic feelings forever.
  Every relationship needs romance, but we can’t expect that initial feeling of giddiness to go on indefinitely. At some point, that early passion you feel will change. But, it doesn’t mean you’re not in love. If you move on every time the giddiness fades, you’ll never be in a long-term relationship.

• 4. I should be able to say whatever’s on my mind.
  You will always need to take care to protect your partner’s feelings. While you should be able to talk about your feelings honestly, you must be still be careful not to say something you might regret later.

• If I’m in the right relationship, it will have nothing to do with sex.
  While good relationships have many layers, the sexual aspect is very important to long-term success. The sexual aspect of our relationship is critical to healing the little irritations of life and relaxing as a couple. Sex is an essential part of any successful long-term relationship.

Finding the right partner is difficult in any case. However, if we place unrealistic expectations on our relationships, we can make finding a mate downright impossible. But, if we keep our relationship expectations realistic, we give ourselves a much better chance of finding true love.

Relationships Breaking Up, Couples, Partner, Sex, Truth