Knowing when to leave a marriage can be confusing and one of the most difficult decisions you’ll ever make. However, it can also be the first step to a healthier, happier life. How smooth your process will be will largely depend on how prepared you are, so careful preparation should be your first priority. There is also a difference between abusive and non-abusive marriages and the approach you should take.

Abusive Relationships

Step 1: Plan where you and your children, if you have any, will live. If you are in a relationship where there’s been physical violence, you and your children’s safety should be your most important consideration, and will be a major determining factor in your plan. If you are a woman, find out if there is a battered women’s shelter you can use as a temporary place to stay. Do not tell your spouse when you are going or where you have gone until you know you are safe — but do tell him so he doesn’t assume you have kidnapped the children and then try to take legal action against you. If you stay with friends or family, ask them not to disclose where you are until you have told your spouse.

Step 2: Set aside enough money to set yourself and the kids up in a new place, if possible. The more money you have, the more power you will have. Get a bank account and credit card in your own name that your spouse can’t access. This will require as much advance planning as possible. You will have to consider rent (including moving-in costs), utilities, food, car or travel expenses and clothing at the bare minimum. You will also have to have enough money to retain an attorney as soon as possible.

Step 3: Consult an attorney before you leave, if possible, and follow his recommendations. Be honest about your situation and disclose the abuse. People in abusive relationships are often in denial about the seriousness of the situation and consciously or unconsciously defend their partners. This is the time to shake off any denial and be emotionally honest with yourself. Ask your attorney if he believes a restraining order is appropriate and obtain it.

Step 4: Gather together your most important belongings–medications, documents, clothing, personal items, your children’s things and other personal things you don’t want to leave behind. Remember the title to your car, birth certificates, bank and credit card statements, unpaid bills, diplomas, and professional licenses. You may not be able to go back to your old house, so be thorough.

Step 5: Get a cell phone if you don’t have one. If you have a cell phone, get a separate account and change the number, or get a pre-paid phone. Ensure your spouse doesn’t get the number until things settle down and you and the children are safe.

Step 6: Get a post office box to minimize the chance of your mail getting lost, and your spouse getting your new address. File a forwarding address with the post office.

Step 7: Seek support through a group or individual counseling. Abusive relationships take their toll on self-esteem and can lead to depression and other mental health issues. Counseling or therapy can help you learn to take care of yourself and empower you to learn to have healthy relationships. This is as important for men as it is for women–abusive relationships aren’t exclusive to women.

Non-abusive Relationships

Step 1: Make a plan to move out. If your relationship is not abusive, there will be fewer things to worry about, like getting a restraining order or seeking shelter in a public facility. You will need to budget how much money you will need for a new place to live, including moving costs, monthly living expenses, and attorney’s fees. If you and your spouse agree that a divorce is the best option, your process will be much easier and you may be able to come up with a plan together. If you are not employed, or are only employed part-time, wait until you are more financially self-sufficient so you won’t have to rely entirely on your spouse for support.

Step 2: Inform your spouse that you are leaving. Have a discussion that will do as little emotional damage to everybody as possible. Be frank about your feelings by stating that you don’t feel the marriage can be saved. Take responsibility for your own feelings without laying blame on your spouse. State that you want to be as cooperative as possible through the divorce process. Be firm about your decision and don’t allow yourself to be talked out of it. Have an overnight bag packed with enough things for a few days away in the event the discussion becomes heated, and until you can go back and pack everything you need for a permanent move-out. Leave with as much kindness as possible, and if you think you can stay friends with your spouse, say that.

Step 3: Consult an attorney as soon as you are certain that you want a divorce to determine where you stand legally. If there are children, custody and visitation rights will have to be arranged. If there are substantial assets, they will have to be divided according to state law, or according to any prenuptial agreement. Divorce laws don’t always seem fair (for example, a husband may be required to pay spousal support even when a spouse refused to work during a marriage) so be aware of what kind of battle you will be up against. If leaving the marriage is your idea, your spouse will likely take it as a rejection and may react severely by using the law against you.

Step 4: Make a plan for your children. If you can, discuss with your spouse who the children will live with and how you will tell them. If not, discuss it with the children yourself. Be frank without giving them too many details, and let them know that it’s not their fault. Tell them that mommy and daddy can’t be happy together anymore, that life will be better if they live separately, and don’t lay blame on anyone. Children often take responsibility for the breakup of their parents’ marriage. Reassure them that they are loved and that the divorce will be the best for them in the long run.

Step 5: Get emotional support by joining a divorce support group or going to counseling. Talk to people who’ve been through it so you know what to potentially expect, emotionally, mentally and financially. Also consider getting emotional support for your children, and keep communicating with them throughout the process to determine if there will need to be a therapeutic intervention. Some signs are changes in behavior, such as problems in school, fighting, or becoming withdrawn or angry.

References
Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide
Divorce 360: Beginning Checklist: Planning to File for Divorce

Divorce Abuse, Children, Divorce, Marriage, Violence

Maybe you’ve been burned before…you found out your ex was cheating on you, spending joint money behind your back, or otherwise betraying your trust. Maybe the situation was much worse than that; he or she was emotionally or even physically abusive. You survived, but now you don’t trust your own judgment. Or maybe things have been fine in the past, but your new flame seems a little…off. For the purposes of this article, “he” is used throughout but the fact is that loserhood knows no gender. Any kind of person is capable of this kind of behavior, and being young or in a same-sex relationship doesn’t make you immune either. Here are a few warning signs:

1. Your friends don’t like him. It’s mutual. Most people hesitate to criticize a friend’s new honey, so if your friends say something negative, you should treat this like a flashing red siren of “this guy is trouble.” Likewise if he is antagonistic towards them. Abusers will typically try to isolate the victim from any possible means of support. Alienating all of your friends is part of his master plan. Lose him instead.

2. Alternately, if he’s too charming with your friends. You might be thinking “flirtation” but there’s another possible motive…basically, convincing everyone how great he is so that if there’s a big fight, everyone will blame it on you. This is another isolation move. It is typically employed by men rather than women, but has been done by both genders. It’s wonderful if you all get along…but your new SO should not be better buddies with your buddies than you are.

3. He expects you to drop everything to go do what he wants. All the time. Sometimes things come up. Sometimes people plan surprises. But if it’s a constant pattern, especially if it’s accompanied by emotional storms or coldness when he doesn’t get his way…it’s nothing more than a control tactic. Other control tactics include checking up on you constantly, invading your privacy, and making you feel guilty. Kick him to the curb.

4. Instant commitment. This is not about love, it’s about making sure of you. Anyone would do. Another ploy most often used on women, but you’d be surprised how many men out there are susceptible to this. If you’ve been dating less than six months and he wants to move in together, back away slowly. If you just started dating and he starts talking marriage, run.

5. He’s rude to people in service positions, or from whom he doesn’t want anything. It’s the old “look how he treats the waiter” adage…which is old and tried because it’s true. If he’s sweet as pie to you, but nasty to the valet, he is not a good person. As soon as he feels he has his hooks in you, he won’t be sweet any more.

6. He puts you down. Ever. The earlier in the relationship, the worse it is. But it’s never good. Contempt and love do not go together.

7. He crosses serious lines, then apologizes, then does it again. Abusers will test potential victims to see how much they will tolerate. If this is a recognizable pattern in your relationship…get out of there. It will only get worse…and worse, and worse.

8. Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Do you find yourself making excuses for him? To your friends, or to yourself? Do you feel a sense of relief when he isn’t around? (Does he check up on you?) If so, your instincts are trying to tell you something. Listen to them.

Relationships Abuse, Violence

18-year-old Lauren Astley’s body was found in the edge of a marsh over the July 4 holiday weekend. She had been strangled and had a wound to the neck. Her ex-boyfriend of three years has been arrested and charged with her murder. Prosecutors call the case one of teen dating violence.

Our condolences are with Lauren Astley’s family, who had no knowledge that anyone had been bothering their daughter. They did, however, know that she had recently broken up with Nate Fujita, who has been charged in her death. Fujita has said he did see Astley just before her death, but that they only talked.

It’s important to remember that dating violence can be especially prevalent among teens. As parents, we must be vigilant in watching for signs of dating violence, especially during the time of breakups or squabbles.

According to the group “Choose Respect”, the following statistics are true about teen dating violence:

• One in five high school girls have been physically or sexually abused by a dating partner.
• Nearly 80% of girls who have been victims of physical abuse in a dating relationship continue to date their abuser.
• One in three teens report knowing a friend or peer who has been physically hurt by his or her partner through violent actions which included hitting, punching, kicking, slapping, and/or choking.

You can read more about Lauren Astley’s death at The Boston Channel.

News & Views Abuse, Violence